Dear Donald Trump
Hello my dear friend Mr. Trump, my name is Salvador Dios Jesus. In the off chance that you haven’t heard of me, I am the most wanted drug lord in the entire world. I am mostly known for my sale of marijuana and heroine. However, don’t let my name fool you. I am not only wanted for my drug cartel, but also for butchering a very high number of people myself. Still, no matter how many people I kill, the tobacco and alcohol industry always seems to out shine me. Each year they somehow manage to rid the world of almost half a million unfortunate souls while I haven’t even reached fifty thousand! Truly though, no matter how many I butcher, no matter how many people are killed from my drugs, I am still unable to match their skill in trickery and murdering.
Straying away from the blood and gore for the moment, it has recently come to my understanding that the presidential election for The United States have begun and you are a candidate in the running. Although you may think of me as some damn dirty savage seeing as I am of Mexican descent. However I must say your ideas for the future of your country could greatly increase my business. So my friend, I would like to discuss a current issue which seems to only continue popping up in your country. Many residents in your country believe that marijuana should be made legal and that it could help save thousands of lives. You and I are both businessmen and I am sure that you have realized if marijuana were to stay illegal that my cartel would greatly prosper and would have a great increase in revenue as well.
As I recall, in the upcoming year you will be running for presidency in the United States and are also considered one of the top candidates in the current standings. While I must say that I find many of your ideals and philosophies borderline psychotic I must admit that you are still a very reliable businessman. I am well aware of your influence and wealth that you have acquired since becoming a well known entrepreneur but would like to make you an offer which I believe that you cannot refuse.
My offer is one that will not only greatly benefit my cartel and allow me to expand it further around the world but also grant you the tool necessary to become the next president of the United States and even put into effect some of the idea’s that some would say cost too much money or are unnecessary for your country. So I will lend you the amount of money needed in order to build this wall you talk about between our two countries and also provide the much needed work force so that this barrier can be completed as soon as possible. I will also help endorse you in your campaign so that you will have a better chance at winning. In exchange for my efforts all I ask is that you allow me to keep my tunnels under your wall and turn a blind eye to my actions every once in awhile so that I can continue my selling of drugs to those who are less fortunate than yourself in your country. By doing so, my cartel will continue to make billions of dollars.
If by chance Mr. Trump you wish to discuss this offer with me to a further extent than I will arrange a meeting with one of our mutual associates Sean Penn. In the recent past Mr. Penn has shown a willingness to not only travel to Mexico but to also associate himself with certain drug lords such as myself. I am looking forward to hopefully working with you in the coming future.
Salvador Dios Jesus