So, you’re thinking about attending a university? Why not the University of Sunny California at Monterey (U. of S.C.A.M.)? College is a fantastic place to learn your very first financial lesson; always know that you’re putting your money toward a good investment, yourself! In fact, even if being yourself means getting an ethnomusicology degree, then by all means do it! What is really important is your happiness. Happiness can’t be bought with a piece of paper. However, this specific kind of paper called a diploma is your key to happiness!
Listen to your elders, don’t you hear them say “college was the greatest four years of my life” and “I wish I could go back to those days?” College is the EXACT same way now, because inflation is a fallacy. In fact, our prestigious economics class, taught by Professor I.M. Aphoni, provides numerous facts for this inference.
Just ask recent graduate Josephson Detnow. He knows exactly how he’s going to pay off his student loans. “Those four years were so great! I loved the partying, the booze, and the friendships I made! Oh, and the classes were alright. Luckily I have a steady job as manager at Sam’s Super Burger that I can pay off my loans with.” Josephson was one of our prized students here at University of S.C.A.M., graduating at the top of his class with C’s in every subject. “Those are four years of my life that I will have a hard time remembering forever, but that’s mostly from the drinking. I’m so glad I got the chance to pay for such a fine education from U. of S.C.A.M. with student loans.”
As you can see, this overwhelming evidence shows that you too can be a surefire candidate for any job you want! Still not convinced? Let me sway you with this last bit of information; we even offer a 15% interest rate per year on loans! Tell me THAT isn’t a good deal! Since you’re investing so much in yourself already, why not invest more? Your second free financial lesson is that no matter what, if you throw a ton of money at something, it will get better.
Another graduate of our prestigious school, Lucy S. Bencrupt, shared her wonderful story at our most recent alumni gathering. “At 52 years old, I am pleased to announce that I have paid half of my student loans! I am eternally grateful to U. of S.C.A.M. for helping me pay for my credential, which I promptly placed on my bedroom wall. I then went out and found a well-paying cashier job, an opportunity that I never would have thought of if it weren’t for my fantastic amount of debt.” Lucy, happy with her monthly “Employee of the Month” status at Barg’N Mart, is living her life just as she planned!
Now, the word “debt” is long and overly-complicated. That’s why we make it easy on you, no more having to “learn” about this “debt.” Instead, you just leave all of this economic fancy-talk to us! Isn’t that convenient? There’s absolutely no need to worry about any monetary issues until you’re out of school and have a shiny new diploma ready to hang on that blank space on your wall! Good thing you don’t have the money to afford real decorations!
I hope you’ve decided to come stay with us at University of Sunny California at Monterey. It really is in your best economic interest. You see, you shouldn’t care about how much money you have coming out of college, because now that’s OUR issue. Now we can control your money for the rest of your lives. Wanting to pursue higher education is a norm in modern society, so why not have fun while you’re at it? What are you waiting for? Come join us at University of S.C.A.M. today! You’ll be sorry if you don’t!