Dear Councilman of San Francisco,
Homelessness is a major problem in America and it is a bigger problem in San Francisco. I understand that you seek to end this major problem in San Francisco, and I have been a resident of District 6 under Jane Kim of the Tenderloins with my fellow brothers and sisters for a few years now and I would like to help assist you in ending homelessness. It has come to our understanding that poverty is not ending anytime soon, and we would like to help make a change in our community since no one else is really volunteering to. We, as a community, have came up with multiple ways of ending poverty.
For my first proposal, I recommend rounding all of us up and shooting us since it will provide such a quicker less painful death. If you did not know this fact about me, the sounds of guns right before it explodes my head gives me great joy for it relaxes my nerves. Though I cannot say the same about the others because they will probably be too excited to die and end their misery from living on the streets. But if you do not want all the commotion from other civilians who live in San Francisco, you can always just give us all of good meal with some poison in it, but please, make it painless. No one wants a painful death and after all, we are helping you get rid of a major problem that is in San Francisco. If you are planning to go this direction, I would like to have an In-n-Out Burger and you can make the secret sauce a big secret for all of us.
Once we all die, please give us a nice memorial and burial. As a group, we decided that we all just want to be piled up like the dump and just have us cremated all together since it will be cheaper for all of you guys. After we are cremated, we would like to be contained properly; in the dumpster. It will remind us of where we came from and where we live. If you want this to all happen at once by the way, you can just burn us all alive if you want to make the process faster. The sounds of us screaming will really put on a show for the tourist that visits San Francisco. I mean, they do go to the pier and listen to the walrus make random noises, what is the difference with it being from us?
If cremating or burning us alive is not an available option, we want to all be put in one hole due to how we are all one big family. I would like this hole to be small enough for all of us to be able to have a feel for one each other because I want to die with my brothers and sisters. I would enjoy this very much since I never had a family and all of my memories are with these people. It is not like my friend Ricky had a child and wife that died in a fire only after two years of marriage. It is not like we had a name. Putting all of us all in one hole is the right way to go in my opinion due to how we really have nothing to be remembered for.
Once we are dead and our remains are cremated/buried, we would like to have a plaque placed somewhere to remember who we are. Please write on it, “The Homeless Community of District 6th.” Even after this no one will remember us or know who we are due to how no one takes the time to read plaques and signs anymore. Thank you San Francisco for taking this as into consideration.