Help Wanted (Eh Maybe Next Millennium)

Hello Citizens of Earth! This is Arthur Jawad, Representative of the United Nations, and I am coming to you today to tell you about our new Millennium Goals! As we all know our planets is in serious trouble environmentally with the past few years being record breaking temperatures global warming is now the greatest enemy we face. It is our job as inhabitants of this planet to take it upon ourselves to fix the problems we have caused. The U.N. understands that we must take baby steps because as we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day so today I will discuss the two major issues we would like to eliminate and their individual Millennium plans.

(1) Biodiversity Loss: at the current rate it is estimated that there are around 8.7 million species of animals on planet earth, and the current extinction rate is around 150-200 lost per 24hrs. I know that this statistic is disheartening, having over 8 million species versus the human species 5 (White, Black, Asian, Mexican, and Other). So in order to fix this problem we must take steps to increase the extinction rate to level out the playing field. Our plan is by the year 2017 and a ½ to increase this extinction ratio to around 150,000-200,000 per 24 hours. Imagine a world where we no longer have pesky birds nests to worry about when we cut down trees or whales to consider saving while polluting our oceans! This would also shut up those annoying environmental activists because their would no longer be any animals for them to complain about dying!

(2) Safe Drinking Water: 663 million humans do not have access to clean drinking water at this current point in earth’s history…… Folks this truly breaks my heart; this is a ratio of around every 1 in 10 men, women, and children are left dying because they cannot get something as simple as water. Luckily because of recent scientific innovations we now have the power to fix this. The U.N. is proposing by the year 2025 to have cleansed all of earth’s ocean of impurities such as salt, minerals, and marine life! We plan on doing this by getting rid of all of the newly introduced electric cars in order to quicken global warming which will cause temperatures to get so hot it will simply evaporate the oceans, leaving only dead fish in its wake and transporting all the water into the atmosphere where we can collect it. The loss of oceans means more area to create factories in which we can send children during their summer to participate in some hard work teaching them skills like using pens and pencils with only 3 fingers, stamina from working 20 hour shifts, and treat things like cholera and diarrhea.

We at the U.N. need your help to work on these massive issues. We urge each citizen of the world to work towards these goals by pushing our population to new heights. 335,000 children are born each day around the world and this is simply not getting the job done. More children means these trends will not only increase, but also more people to solve future problems that the earth might face. Why attempt to fix problems we create ourselves when we can simply breed like rabbits and have an entire force of youth at our disposal. Of course this means they must all be extremely efficient to meet our millennial goals so that means any born with natural disabilities like being blind, deaf, autistic, paralyzed, or anything pertaining to performance capabilities will need to be immediately disposed of to the nearest special ed department where they will be sent to be burned alive at the closest power plant in order to generate electricity that is clean and efficient!

Help Wanted (Eh Maybe Next Millennium)

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