*Disclaimer: The girl pictured above does not actually appropriate other cultures!*
Do you admire natural black hairstyles? Do you want to wear your stylish, tribal outfit to Coachella this year? Keep reading and learn how to deal with being accused of appropriating other cultures!
Step One: Claim it As Appreciation
Cornrows and dreadlocks are the new trends; everyone should get to experience them! If a black person tells you that you are appropriating their culture, tell them to calm down and get over it! You are appreciating their culture by showing off your new hair do! Even if that hairstyle is apart of their cultural background, you have every right to make it a fashion statement. Even if you don’t care about black social issues, and you’re the type of person to exclaim “All Lives Matter”, go ahead and rock your braids! Might as well listen to rap music and say the N-word too, because it’s okay to say it as long as you’re singing it!
Step Two: Ignore The Accusations
Everyone wants to rock the super cute, boho chic style at summer music festivals. But your outfit just wouldn’t be complete without a colorful Native American headdress. Who cares if it creates a stereotype for Native American culture? If you look cute in it, then wear it with confidence! While you’re at it, root for your favorite football team; the Redskins. It’s just the name of a team! Why are people getting upset about it? Yeah, it defaces Native American culture, makes a negative stereotype, and mocks the skin color of native people. But C’mon now, it’s just football!
So Trump has dropped one of his hammers. This man just signed a piece of paper that turned from a tree to a piece of poop. The piece of paper says refugees and immigrants from seven countries can’t come into the country. Well Mr. Donald Trump, based on those standards your own wife, the women of your children, would not have been allowed to the country. So when is she scheduled to leave? We are really putting America first Mr. President. Spending thousands on resources to keep people out of our country instead of putting that money towards our own citizens. So great job Mr. President. We have officially reached the promised land. We aren’t letting people into our country and are going to spend millions to keep people out. How much of that will go into the flight your wife will take back to her country. Because she isn’t allowed either. Trump must really believe in his policies if he signs things that basically says “F**k you” my wife. Let’s give him a round of applause. We got to get a word with one of Donald Trump’s advisors yesterday at a coffee shop because he wants to be away from the white house as much as possible. When asked about the ban the only worlds he could say were, “What is that?” Well now our president isn’t even using his advisors. America, we are officially in for a shithole of a time the next four years of our lives.
Recently, a local American woman has come to Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and countless other diet companies for help. Jenny wanted to lose 100 pounds in the next week to get ready for her 35th birthday with her kids and husband. She has an especially healthy diet-a few bags of chips, 3-4 sticks of deep fried butter, and a few pounds of cherries a day-for her age. Jenny says she can not wait to get started with her new plan as Weight Watchers has promised to help her lose 100 pounds in less than a week without changing her diet.
During the first 3 days, both Jenny and Weight Watchers were surprised that the pounds were not sliding off. They had gave her an extreme workout, consisting of a 0.5 mile walks every day, of which she did not do. Jenny strongly disagrees however, claiming that she does walk 0.5 miles, in fact, she walks 5 everyday, as a character of the Sims 2. Jenny says that she is especially healthy in the game, only eating a bag of chips and a stick of butter a day. Jenny also goes to the gym in her video game life, often working out for a few hours a day.
Jenny has recently sued Weight Watchers for wasting her time and money and won $400. In a statement to the Colour Times, Jenny says that with the money, she will buy the newest edition of the Sims and will continue challenging herself in her daily workouts.
“Everything must go! Going into business sale! All foreign mattresses half off and no returns.” A quite interesting sign to many customers, however the majority of customers enjoy the competitions mattresses much better. In fact, 2,868,519 more people do. However, this company knows how to run a store, and they believe by going on sale, they will make more money and attract more people. However, many people never realized that their mattresses were over priced in the first place which made the company even more successful. This would have never been possible if the owner had not been on the show “The Apprentice,” where he learned many tricks and bypasses to beat the system and allow for more money flow directly into his pocket. The foreign mattresses all had defective springs, so they had to get them out before the company’s reputation was harmed. Many then complained about their mattresses, but the company refused to hear their complaints and are pending a lawsuit.
The company had taken something from the people that they absolutely adored, their sleep. Many believe this to be unfair and a violation to their rights as a mattress buyer who was promised a “voucher for better night’s sleep.” They had such a catchy jingle as well. The trial will be full of anger, however one must believe in the power and good of the courts to rule their decision based on the “Rights of a Mattress Buyer Bill.”
Look everyone knows about our new president Donald Trump, if you don’t really know about him than probably either you’ve been living under a rock for the past year or you’ve just heard about him on your local newscast with huge updates on his Presidential schedule such as going to the bathroom and taking a dump. Americans have been divided on their perspective of Mr. Trump, either he’s a good person who will change the U.S. for the better or he’s just a flat-out business tycoon who has no actual “business” in the Presidential company. There’s a lot of reasons people hate Donald Trump whether it’s just looking at those smallish hands of his which makes a person squeal with anxiety our world leader having those or just his face which may look like Jackie Chan squinting really hard but just on a regular basis. Oh don’t get people started on his hand gestures, oh boy, those hand gestures, every time he does that it looks like he’s signaling part the illuminati or some secret group. People even get mad whenever he says “Make America great again”, every time I hear that on the news with a bunch of liberals in a press conference with the President, the rage, the anger, the confusion on their faces, It’s just hysterical the way they think about who our current President is right now. Sometimes after Mr. Trump gives a speech, you can hear a faint little echo of a liberal crying on a lonely mountain for Obama to come back but sorry buddy it’s not happening anytime soon.
After Peace Corps missions, seminary studies, and a stint teaching preschool conflict resolution, I discovered a truly socially redeeming career as a construction site Catcall Consultant. I tutor 200 apprentices, polishing their catcalling techniques so they can shower confidence on underappreciated females who pass job sites pleading for personal validation.
My competency comes from innate catcalling skills that emerged in my youth. Documents show that my first word was “mamacita,” and my first musical instrument was the wolf whistle. Neighborhood mentors taught me incredible kissy-smack lip noises that brought HUGE reactions. The girls’ camouflaged gratitude plunged me into the bizarre world of the female psyche, which, frankly, is a swamp that sophisticated males should not bother trying to understand. Case in point: one sloppy-sounding air-kiss, or a coy “Hey sexy,” and I could count on a whack upside the head from even the shyest of those budding dunderheads. God knows where girls hide so much muscle, though there is doubtlessly plenty of empty space just north of the eyebrows in most of those princesses. Not to worry about their whacks of course, since they all punch like a girl, but I must mention that if street cred is based on how many black eyes a guy receives from hot-headed hotties, well then I’m the Man. Those chickies couldn’t keep their paws off me after my compliments. I persevered proudly though, knowing that I was their only source of self-worth. After this childhood training, I expanded my resume with internships in a university fraternal order, and on a naval vessel. I am now a sensitive professional who grasps that women crave rudeness, making me supremely qualified to be a Catcall Consultant.
Before going on, let me offer tips to help even non-construction workers speak sleazily, and thereby liberate America’s insecure women. Although 98% of females have received unsolicited sexy hoots at least once in their lives, only 42% report getting noticed monthly (Hess). A mammoth harem of babes is going unsatisfied, because of a lack of professionals properly trained in uplifting chicks’ egos. With instruction, novices quickly advance to having those little vixens lash out, all a-quiver, when a really juicy catcall comes licking into their ears. So first, concentrate on that idea of licking: you want to be extremely invasive when catcalling. Chicks desire deep, sloppy, penetrating connections with strangers. Develop a crude leer so they feel you undressing them from across the street. Maximize a girl’s thrill from feeling vulnerable and endangered, by following her briefly after your first whistle. Corner her in an alley—her face might say to cut it out, but inside she’s begging you to rip away a little more of her privacy and security. Use appealing phrases that you collect from listening to teenaged scholars binging at keggers, or from taking your sister to visit inmates exercising in prison yards. If your vocabulary gets too explicit, just fall back on intelligent-sounding tributes like a drawn-out “Dayummm!” when a girl walks by, or a French compliment about the bounce of la derriere. Comments on her hotness are music to a girl’s ears.
Today, supporting catcalling is more crucial than averting nuclear war, because whiny liberals are fighting to silence us. Their attempts include widespread video-outing of catcallers on social media (Robinson), and campaigns for bystanders to yell, “That’s not acceptable” when guys merely whistle or meow (Lee). Their suppression is misguided, since high-quality catcalling empowers women, and the world needs more empowered women. A good catcall is not the publicly-sanctioned abuse that some low-watt thinkers claim it to be; it is a gift to a woman. It reminds her that although few people will ever know she has a brain, the rest of the world is obsessed with staring at her big plump booty. Such appreciation builds a woman’s confidence, professional assurance, and overall mental health. I am proud to be boosting women’s egos, elevating them like a candy-apple red lace triple-silicone padded cleavage-cuddling pushup bra. This is a dream job.