Do you constantly find yourself home alone on a Saturday night, sitting on the couch, watching Netflix with your dog? Is nobody swiping right on your Tinder account? Don’t worry, we know the solution. It is a known fact that every single man alive is absolutely repulsed by body and face hair, so if you’re still single after 37 years, your hairiness is most definitely the reason why.
If you only shave your legs once a week, you must increase the frequency of this necessary hygiene habit to three times a day—at least. If you don’t wax the bottom of your feet—well, you better start doing that now. Do you have even a single lone eyelash? What are you waiting for?! Tweeze it, you wild animal! If your scalp is covered with even a remote amount of fuzz, two scenarios may occur: the best case scenario is that men will vomit profusely when they see you, and the worst case scenario is that you will die alone…but not before getting rejected by your 87-year-old-widowed-seven-times neighbor named Herb.
Haven’t you heard?! Eyebrows are SO 1973! Shave ‘em off! Get rid of your dog, while you’re at it. Dog hair on your clothing is utterly unappealing and will cause every man to turn away and crinkle their nose in disgust upon seeing you. If you pluck, tweeze, thread, wax, laser, or shave every single square inch of your body, we can positively guarantee that you will attract your very own Prince Charming in 3-5 business days—you’re welcome!