Beauty is Bald

Do you constantly find yourself home alone on a Saturday night, sitting on the couch, watching Netflix with your dog? Is nobody swiping right on your Tinder account? Don’t worry, we know the solution. It is a known fact that every single man alive is absolutely repulsed by body and face hair, so if you’re still single after 37 years, your hairiness is most definitely the reason why.

If you only shave your legs once a week, you must increase the frequency of this necessary hygiene habit to three times a day—at least. If you don’t wax the bottom of your feet—well, you better start doing that now. Do you have even a single lone eyelash? What are you waiting for?! Tweeze it, you wild animal! If your scalp is covered with even a remote amount of fuzz, two scenarios may occur: the best case scenario is that men will vomit profusely when they see you, and the worst case scenario is that you will die alone…but not before getting rejected by your 87-year-old-widowed-seven-times neighbor named Herb.

Haven’t you heard?! Eyebrows are SO 1973! Shave ‘em off! Get rid of your dog, while you’re at it. Dog hair on your clothing is utterly unappealing and will cause every man to turn away and crinkle their nose in disgust upon seeing you. If you pluck, tweeze, thread, wax, laser, or shave every single square inch of your body, we can positively guarantee that you will attract your very own Prince Charming in 3-5 business days—you’re welcome!

Advertisements
Beauty is Bald

8 thoughts on “Beauty is Bald

  1. cassievaleria says:

    I love how you were very funny in interpreting your ideas. My favorite part was when you said, “You wild animal!” That was wild, great job Jordan!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. xxoeliasoxx says:

    HAHAHAHA This is great. I how you introduced your dog then just dissed him at the end. My favorite part is when you said “Is nobody swiping right on your Tinder account?” That really drew me in because it was pretty funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. allycat2018 says:

    Great job, Jordan! I love how much humor you put into your writing. You really did a great job working that satire.

    Like

  4. juliaiskoolia says:

    this is soooooo funny! great job working in sarcasm throughout ur whole piece, this was the bessssssssstest!!!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s