Alameda County, CA – Weather has gotten crazy with numerous power outages and broken down power lines. The local broadcasters say the brand new hurricane sweeping the area is to blame for the snapped power lines… But we all know the real reason, fat Spider-Man. Spider-Man was a popular hero to kids back in the day but now, he has grown older. Spider-Man considers the safety of his job and has decided to no longer rely on the unstable web that shoots from his hand. Instead, he has resorted to crawling across power lines like a sloth in order to get around.
Another unfortunate cause of Spider-Man’s age is that he has grown a fondness for sweets after resorting to stress-eating after his love, Mary Jane Watson, left him for Sandman. Due to his sweet tooth, he has gained some pounds causing him to fill out his suit and break some of the trusty power lines. This has become a real problem for the city costing thousands of dollars in taxpayer money.
One of our intelligent reporters interviewed Jimmy Newton who claimed, “Spider-Man crashed through my window late Friday night. I was like ‘What?’ and he was like ‘woahhh’”. Our reporter was very convinced that Spider-Man is the cause for the chaos around the city. Spider-Man is now wanted for breaking and entering and destruction of public property. If you have any information, you should call 1-800-Spider-Man-Did-WHAAA to reach our hotline. For those helping with the search party, Spider-man goes to Charles’s Bakery every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.