Mean While At the Police Department


To: All Law Enforcement Officers
From: Chief of State Police
Subject: Morale
Date: 3/11/17

It has come to my attention as of late that many of you have been slacking off at your posts. Body count is low and there is no public outrage about a minority group that is “supposedly” “violent” or “dangerous”, I mean, seriously, shooting 1 defenseless black kid every month is just not enough. Now, after a very deep investigation, we have found that this may be due to low morale; you people are just not motivated enough. In a separate investigation, we asked all our officers what they love most about being on the force. The answer, unsurprisingly, was “killing shit and getting away with it under the guise of it being heroic”. Now, we think that we have been able to make a few changes to our policies to make all of you want to get out there and start “dispensing justice” to “criminals”.

The Police Academy’s administration is being restructured with a new curriculum. The dormitories have been replaced by barracks which can accommodate 100 recruit. Squads will march to class as a “show parade” in a show of unity and brotherhood and there will be no leniency for failure (Browne). Failure will result in a court-martial or a sentence in the newly constructed stockade. Each recruit will enlist for four years but can re-up at the end of their tour of duty.

Fortunately, there is new scientific evidence which supports the mandates listed below. These indicate “suspects can draw a gun more quickly than an officer can draw from a holster and aim, so police are justified in reacting before they see a gun” (Beschizza). This necessary inclusion to the training protects our officers, especially at the expense of the underserved communities of the inner cities. We are more important and should have more rights to protect ourselves. Another part of the curricula includes enforcing the shoot first, ask questions later mandate. This is based on a “phenomenon called inattentional blindness, in which the brain is so focused on one task that it blocks out everything else.” (Apuzzo). It is human nature to fill in the blanks. If the physical evidence (videos or forensics) dispute this, they are nonessential alternate facts and will be ignored. Police should have free reign in the execution of their sacred duty to protect themselves from the public and underrepresented factions. Less lethal options such as pepper spray, stun guns or beanbag guns are outlawed because troops do not playing hacky-sack. Policy changes are:

1. Officers will be paid a bonus for each person he/she brutalizes or kills and he/she receives double if that person is black. Uh, sorry, African-American. This may not come as a shock to some of you, as we pretty much already did this, but now you get paid for it. 2. After an officer has killed/brutalized enough people he/she will be promoted to the rank directly above their current rank. The question most asked is “how many people to I have to kill/brutalize to get that promotion?” For every person you kill/brutalize you gain 1 point,

2 points for black people, and 3 points for black teens. After you have earned 100 points you will receive your promotion; points are reset after a promotion.

3. Every officer will have access to military grade arms and ammunition. Yes, every single one of you will be able to use your favorite weapons and ammunition to… *cough* enforce the law. Go down to the armory, ask the officer in charge for your weapon of choice,, and bam, you will have an instrument of death and destruction with which you will cleanse this world of all the criminals that plague it, and by criminals I mean black people.

Well, everyone have fun doing your job killing random people. Remember do not get blood on yourself, that’s an infection just waiting to happen. I look forward to seeing the increase in productivity.



Mean While At the Police Department

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