How to Build the Perfect Woman

IMG_1648 (1)

Playboy’s newest and hottest how-to guide will explain how to build the perfect woman. The perfect woman will be a helpful asset in increasing your masculinity among your friends, colleagues, and rivals, as well as satisfy your desire for the perfect sexual experience. It is assured that she will be the most helpful tool you will have in your life. Simply follow these instructions…

You Will Need:

  • 1 wig of luscious hair.
  • 1 pair of seductive eyes.
  • 1 pair of lips.
  • 1 body (skeleton, internal organs, and muscles included).
  • 1 layer of flawless skin.
  • 1 pair of voluptuous breasts.
  • 1 round posterior.
  • Approximately 1.2-1.5 gallons of blood.
  • 1 Playboy’s Perfect Woman Toolkit.
  • 1 tube of Super Glue.
  • Optional: Choice of clothing (Recommended: skin-tight, breast-exposing, and posterior-hugging leather, etc.)

*Parts can be ordered from (Fe)mail.com.

Part One: Assembly

    1. Lay the body out in a large, clear work space. Identify the large gap along the right side of the torso below the shoulder. Place the heart inside it carefully and, with a 0.05 mm screwdriver, screw it into place. This will be the battery that powers your woman.
    2. Locate the three gouges in the head. Place your two eyes in the two in the middle of the head, rotating them so that the irises can be visible. Then, place your lips in the third gouge just above the chin. Make sure all items snap firmly into place and can move easily.
    3. Take the layer of skin and drag it up over the body, making sure to push down so it sticks to the interior. The skin should hug the body. Any wrinkles should be smoothed out for maximum effectiveness. (Note: There is a five-by-five inch square flap where the heart is located. Leave it open, for you will need to activate the heart later).
    4. Attach the breasts to the torso and the posterior to the lower backside, screwing them into place. Make sure they are aligned properly. These will be the focal points of your woman.
    5. With the needle and thread, sew your wig onto the head of your woman. The dot in the middle of the wig should correspond to that at the apex of the woman’s head.
    6. Once all parts are solidly in place, take the 1.2-1.5 gallon of blood (depending on the size of your woman) and pour it in through the five-by-five inch square flap. Once the body is completely filled, activate the heart and close the flap. Line it with Super Glue and seal it shut.
  • Optional: If you ordered clothes for your woman, put them on accordingly. If not, skip this step. Both options are perfectly reasonable.

 

Part Two: Programming

  1. With the remote included in the Playboy’s Perfect Woman Toolkit, activate your woman’s brain. You will hear a series of questions to which you can reply ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to. These will help determine your woman’s personality.
  2. If you need to restart, simply press the ‘restart’ button at the base of the remote. Once you’re satisfied with how you want your woman to act, hit the ‘select’ button to save your progress.

CAUTION

Always make sure to double-check your woman’s programming. Never switch to Manual Mode unless you need an emergency shut down, for this may cause flaws such as independent stimulation. To keep your woman under the best control, always stick with the safe Automatic Mode.

 

Congratulations. You’ve successfully learned how to build your own woman. Now it’s up to you to decide how well you’ll use your new machine.

 

Recommendations:

  • Bring her to a company party. Show off her curves and assets to all your friends and enemies.
  • Have her clean the house. (With the ‘Organize’ feature, she’ll have anything cleaned before you can utter a word).
  • Take her to bed and make the most out of your property. Have fun with your new toy.
How to Build the Perfect Woman

How ‘Bout More?

Most students can agree that the massive amount of time homework takes up is a pain. But you know what I think? We need more homework. That’s right. More. The load we get now, the load that takes up hours of our time and cuts into that reserved for precious dreams and mental recovery–it’s gotta change. Even though students are staying up until the crack of dawn, surviving off Red Bull, coffee, and other stimulants to get those history papers done, to finish those English portfolios, they still could use an extra challenge, because why not? Teachers, I implore you, keep dishing out those papers! You say five page max? Make it fifteen, or even twenty! Whatever the hell you want, for we can most certainly take it. We might have to cut out time for friends and family to focus on memorizing all those flashcards for the big unit exams coming up, undoubtedly turning us into antisocial robots, but it’s all worth it to get that A. We might be gaining pounds from lack of exercise that undeniably increase our high-as-Mount-Everest stress levels, but it’s all worth it to learn random facts that will be oh-so-helpful in our future. (I haven’t seen anything that will teach us how to pay taxes yet, but that’s okay! We’ll always know how to find ‘x’, just in case an equation appears on a speed limit sign that we’ll need to solve). If I haven’t been clear enough already, more homework is the better option–certainly not less.

 

How ‘Bout More?