Welcome Back Slavery

unnamedHello, I am Ben Wiley a reporter from the New York Times, providing live coverage of the inaugural weekly Shooting Games co-sponsored by the United States House of Representatives and the Ku Klux Klan. The shooting contest is taking place on the nation’s mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial in honor of President Lincoln’s horrible mistake of emancipating African Americans. This contest will feature a black tribute from each state who will be tied up with no way of defending himself and will be forced to wear clothes that resemble the city they are from. The winner will be the white person who most viciously and brutally kills his black target.  Our very own President Trump will be  presiding over the contest as the official judge. He strides to his throne proudly donning a white robe with a swastika on the sleeve. His unnatural blond hair starkly juxtaposes the sea of black on the ground below him as tributes prepare to meet their bloody fate. The champion that Trump chooses will get a reward of  satisfaction in knowing that he has helped to defeat the black plague destroying America’s inner cities, as well as one million dollars financed by the Trump administration.

The Shooting Games mark a once in a lifetime opportunity for white police officers and other racist Americans to grab their favorite weapons and get in line for their chance at glory by helping to rid American cities of the black folk. They will be able to enjoy this without any gun restrictions and in front of hordes of encouraging spectators, many of whom are dressed in white robes. A dream come true for the NRA and a brilliant way to wipe out the entire African American population! I wonder if this solution is what they had in mind when 88 percent of African Americans suggested that the movement for racial equality still needs more work (Workneh, Lilly: 6 Eye Opening Facts).

The Shooting Games are the brainchild of white supremacist Jeff Sessions, inspired by the glorious killings of Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin and other dangerous black criminals who are destroying American cities. Sessions initiated the Shooting Games to fulfil Trump’s promise of getting tougher on crime and making police officers’ jobs easier. Clearly lining black people up in a firing line will accomplish this mission. It also is sure to improve blacks’ relationship with police. Currently, blacks are four times as likely as whites to say that police mistreatment is a major problem in their community, and less than half of blacks have adequate confidence in police (Piacenza, Jones, “Isolated Incidents” or “Broader Pattern”). The Shooting Games will clearly boost blacks’ faith in police officers’ shooting ability. However, if the marksmen are successful, then in a few years there will be no remaining African Americans to retaliate against the police or further destroy the fabric of our great American society. Luckily, President Trump has come up with an alternative solution for blacks who are too scared and thus do not want to participate in the Shooting Games.

Those blacks who do not want to experience this awesome opportunity may bleach their skin, get rid of their sagging jeans and criminalistic ways, and attempt to live as respectable light-skinned Americans. Despite their changed physical appearance, however, these cowardly black people will still be treated as the second class citizens that they have always been thought of to be.They will be forced back into slavery, working at the hands of our federal government and law enforcement for the rest of their lives. By enduring this, blacks are escaping death but being forced to leave their true identity and everything they have ever known behind. Surely this is preferable to their current unkempt lifestyle.

Tune in tomorrow to see how the action plays out



Works Cited

Jones, Robert P., and Joanna Piacenza. “”Isolated Incidents” or “Broader Pattern”? Deep Racial Divides on Police

Killings of Black Men.” PRRI. N.p., 7 Aug. 2016. Web. 15 Mar. 2017.

Workneh, Lilly. “6 Eye-Opening Facts About How Differently Black And White People View Race.” The

Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, 22 Sept. 2016. Web. 15 Mar. 2017.








Welcome Back Slavery

Moneyball Without The Money

ben-asEvery spring, the increasingly diminishing fanbase of the Oakland Athletics anxiously awaits to find out how their team will let them down once again. The mad scientist in charge, Billy Beane, goes into his lab every off-season and tries to create a winning team out of everyone else’s leftovers. By the motley crew that shows up at spring training, you’d think that Beane recruits his team from Little League (although, Little Leaguers probably have more fans than the A’s). As a result, A’s fans are not surprised when their team plays more like the notorious Bad News Bears instead of the major leaguers that they are supposed to be. It looks like half the players have holes in their mitts and everyone is running into each other. Or maybe, the players are just running away from the sewage that flows into their clubhouse because the team owner is too cheap to build a new stadium. At least A’s fans don’t have to wait in line to use the bathroom;there is always plenty of room around the horse troughs. The other good news is that last year, fans got to see many A’s players in the playoffs and World Series. Unfortunately,they were all playing for other ball clubs since Beane always trades his best players as soon as they start to show promise. Are the A’s really a major league team or just a training ground for bonafide teams? Apparently, Billy Beane’s infamous moneyball strategy seems to have gone completely bankrupt and lost its balls.