Does your child walk home from school alone? Do you constantly worry about his or her safety when you say goodbye and leave them on the playground in the morning? We may have found a solution for you. Here at Guns 4 Kidz, we want to ensure your child’s safety when they walk the streets of your dangerous suburban neighborhood, and what’s the most effective way to defend yourself? A bullet.


This present is perfect for the Christmas after that… sketchy family moved
in down the street, or when your local school starts taking kids from that… other district. We guarantee complete safety for your child, ages four and up, on their journey to school, during school hours, during afternoon activities, and on their way home.

If they’re sitting on the bus in the afternoon and someone comes to sit a little too close, no worries. They can just pull out their handgun with a child-size handle and pull the trigger right against the creep’s temple. If anyone asks any questions, they just pull out their license, saying that their gun is 110% approved by the federal government (but only after Trump’s inauguration).

But what if it gets messy?

Order now, and we’ll send you six discreet, deodorizing, black plastic bags, all for free. And if you want to donate to the highly acclaimed organization “justice for white American lives”, dedicated to helping the highly fortunate, we’ll send you a free chainsaw so that you can easily hack the body into six, easy pieces.

Head, torso, arms, and legs. No one has to know.

But it gets better. If you order this christmas, you can get the family value pack: two child-size for your primary schoolers, and two for your infants, for those meanies in day-care who don’t know how to share, all for the price of one.

If you spend over $50 in one purchase, we’ll even send child-size disposing bags.

“I feel so much safer knowing that my kids are protected from the dangers of public school,” says one mother, who has three children, each a proud owner of a Gun 4 Kidz. “My husband, Kyle, and I can’t afford private school, but we can definitely afford these.”

Now, you may be asking, “what happens if my child accidentally shoots themselves?”

Well, our company policy requires that any child must have an IQ of at least 50 to be able to purchase a gun. If your four-year-old has a (mostly) functioning brain, then he or she should have enough common sense to shoot themselves in the head. If they don’t maybe they deserve to get shot. And if they accidentally shoot you? You made them, they’re your problem.

But, if you think your kid might need a little practice, come down to the Guns for Kidz shooting range! We have everything, including live targets which your government handpicked from the inner cities of this great country.

And where is this shooting range, may you ask? That’s right, Birmingham, Alabama. As it turns out, things really haven’t changed much since the 1960s.

“It’s such a great daddy-daughter bonding experience,” one father claims. “But she’s only five years old, so we still have to sing the cleanup song when she doesn’t want to bag up her… leftovers.”

And if that’s not enough, you can sign your child up for one-on-one lessons with American police officers who can give them the knowledge they need to make good decisions about when an attack is appropriate.

“These police officers really know what they’re doing,” one spokesperson of our organization claims. “They’re almost never convicted of assault or murder crimes, so they must be great at their jobs.”

So if you’re on the market for a Christmas present this year, give our website a visit at www.guns4kidz.com.




It will come as a surprise to no one that Joe Biden was arrested after having allegedly been living within the the White House walls, spying on federal activity and occasionally feigning ghost noises for his own amusement. While the hauntings and mysteriously disappearing Eggos from the freezer caused a catastrophic disturbance among White House staff, the most notable result of Biden’s prank-gone-too-far were the tapes which he recorded while in hiding. 


The most remarkable of the tapes was made in January of this year, the day before Trump signed the executive order on immigration. In the recording, one can clearly hear an anonymous advisor say, “I would strongly advise against this order, sir. It will certainly be deemed unconstitutional,” to which Trump responded, “Constitution? I never read it, hand me that pen.” A slightly more disturbing comment was caught from within the walls of the Oval Office, regarding the protection of transgender students in schools. Trump clearly states, “It’s unbelievable what people think they can get away with these days. Kids trying to claim the right to use the bathroom? Give me a f****** break. Peeing is a privilege, not a right.”

Although it is perfectly acceptable for a president to show such ignorance in areas he should be informed in (presidents do that all the time, right?), Trump has publicly apologized for his statements, and claims that he was “just kidding around”, and that of course, he has most certainly read the “Constituent”, all “fifteen commandments” of it.