America’s Education will be Great Again!

2077E6D5-FC6F-4E1A-BB95-1B40233BB8CDDear Parents of American Children,

Congratulations, your child will be apart of the generation that will put our fine country back on top!  For countless years, the United States of America has lacked the academic strength that many other countries have.  As an effort to reform our country  and make America great again, our top scientists have developed a technology that will trump any other educational system.   Our educational system is very flawed and it takes too long to educate a child these days.  We want to have children working professional jobs by the early age of ten or more advanced jobs at the age of fifteen.   “How will my child be able to have a professional job,” you may ask.  Our new technology has been able to accelerate learning from twelve years of education to twelve hours.  

A child’s mind is a sponge, it absorbs a huge amount information.  Here at the Department of Education we decided that the sponge was not absorbing fast enough, so we found a way to have the sponge absorb the information all at once.  After a great amount of research we have concluded that the age of five is the best age to jam twelve years of education into a child’s brain.  “How can all of  this information be downloaded into my child’s brain,” you may ask.  We sedate your child for twelve hours.  While your child is sedated a small hole is drilled into your child’s skull.  A microscopic chip that holds petabytes of information is inserted into your child’s brain and connected to certain nerves.  When your child wakes up, he or she is immediately hit with up to twelve years of education.  Any five year old who has had the chip inserted should be able to get a perfect score on the SAT.  There is no need to be concerned about your child not learning motor skills, handwriting, responsibilities, morals, social skills, etc.  Everything that a student in the United States experiences that prepares them for being an adult is included in the download.  Despite being a diverse country, we have only included one point in the download.  The point of view is very similar to our President’s point of view.  This point of view will educate your child on how amazing our current President is and will help them see the logic in all of his decisions.

If you are interested in having your child shine above other students you are able to pay a premium to have your child receive an even better education.  You will have a selection of certain AP Classes that will also be able to be downloaded into your child’s brain.  Here at the Department of Education we understand that the Upper Class prefers to sustain a large gap between the Middle class.  With that being said, the extra downloads are very expensive, ensuring the upper class will always get a better education than the other social classes.

You should not be concerned about safety of your child either.  After turning thousands of chimpanzee’s brains to slush, we have perfected the download process to the point where it is completely harmless.  

Children will have one year decide what job they want to have and to apply to a four year university where they will take college courses and receive their Bachelor’s degree.  At the age of ten children will begin their graduates or begin working at their professional job.  

This August, all schools will be shut down permanently and converted into download facilities.  The download is mandatory and resistance will result in revocation of your child’s American Citizenship.  The American Education System is truly going to be great again.

Thank you for your compliance,

The Department of Education.

June 1, 2017

An Update from the Department of Education

Depression and teen suicides have spiked in the past ten years do to the amount of pressure put on the children of the new generation.  We have come up with a new solution, an update to our infamous chip.  It restricts children from feeling certain emotions that would restrict them from working efficiently.  The update will also immediately take control of the child’s body if suicide is attempted or an act of rebellion is attempted.  Failure to comply with new update will result in your child being sent to a camp that is meant for concentration.

Heil Trump,

The Department of Education

June 1, 2027

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America’s Education will be Great Again!

The Douches Who Own Lambos are Finally Blowing Up!

Supercar company, Lamborghini Automobili, issues a major recall on over 5,900 supercars!

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Have you ever been driving around town, enjoying your Prius, saving the environment one mile at a time, sipping your vegan shake through your reusable cup, and then some douche in a brand new Lamborghini pulls up next to you at a red light.  You look over at the owner and he just reeks of privilege.  The light turns green and he gets from 0 to breaking the law in sub three seconds.  The sound of his gas guzzling V12 just makes you want to puke.  You soon find yourself stuck at the next red light with the same douche.  He puts his spawn of satan into neutral and just revs the engine so everyone in a five block radius knows that he is driving a Lambo.  You start to wish that this douche bag would just burn in hell.  Well you’re in luck!  After his third rev the douche’s engine compartment catches fire!  You laugh to yourself and drive away in your near silent Prius.  Just to gloat one more time, you look for the monstrosity of a car in your rearview mirror.  To your pleasant surprise, the entire overpriced sports car is engulfed in flames and then BOOM!  The abomination of transportation blows up!  The douches leg with a Gucci slipper lands next to your car. You chuckle to yourself and start brainstorming on how you are going to make it clear to everyone you see today that your are a vegan!

The Douches Who Own Lambos are Finally Blowing Up!