You’ve Got (Fe)mail!

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You’ve got (Fe)mail! Subscribe to the newest, hottest, catalogue on the market! You can selectively order custom-made female body parts that come from real, live—well, they were alive at one point—women from 32 different countries! We take the women from a diverse selection of neighborhoods across the world, kidnap them, kill them, and package their body parts. It is not exactly consensual, however these women are asking for it! As females, they simply cannot expect to walk alone in their neighborhoods and NOT get abducted—that would be insane! Although it’s their fault, we make this process as humane as possible, and anyways, it’s not like women do not deserve this. As men, we have had to deal with the oppressive ways of womankind for far too long…(Fe)mail puts this to an end!

Since we, as a united group of proactive men, are superior to women, and since they belong to us, you can use these body parts however you want in order to fulfill your wildest fantasies! Furthermore, since nobody wants to have to deal with “womansplaining” and bossy know-it-all bitches, all women are really good for is their bodies. Therefore, we came up with an incredibly popular market for female body parts. Predictably, the most popular body parts are “thick asses”, “fake tits”, and “blowjob eyes”. However, you can purchase an array of body parts, in a range of poetically named shades inspired by catalogues from popular stores such as pottery barn, J. Jill, and anthropologie! There’s something for everyone, from “warm vanilla earlobes” to “mahogany pinkie toes” to body parts in the exclusive Lionel Richie special shade, meant for those fellas who simply adore the oversexualation of Asian women, “yellow, is it meat you’re looking for?”. Get your parts starting at $69.99!

Lastly, as a part of our mission, specifically the element of increased female empowerment, we would like to give a special shoutout to all you underappreciated catcallers, rapists, and allies of the greater sexual assault community. Since you’re inconveniencing your dignity and manliness by becoming a sensitive, respectful, gentleman who praises and compliments women through whistles, non-consensual intercourse, and sexy spoken love poems, we owe you one! You brave men dedicate your lives to the self-confidence of our women. You never give up on your mission to ensure that as many women as possible know that they are beautiful, sexy, and have smokin’ hot bods! Even when those lovely ladies assure you that they don’t want your flattery, you persevere and keep on going. After all, everyone knows that women are confusing creatures, and they say the opposite of what they actually want. You wise men thoroughly, spiritually, and wholeheartedly understand and implement the truthful belief that “no” means “yes”. You clearly know everything there is to know about women (not that there is much to know; women are scientifically less intelligent than the greater gender of men according to WebDB), and we want to thank you for your knowledge and commitment. As a small token of our appreciation for flattering women on the daily and making sure all women are body-positive, we exchange a free trial of a (Fe)mail subscription for good deeds like the ones previously mentioned. Furthermore, if you go the extra mile and film yourself selflessly fucking an unconscious girl so that she wakes up feeling happy and confident about her body, you can get 10% off your first official order with the code “brockturner”. Just think about how beautiful she will feel, knowing that she is pretty enough to rape…wow—what an honor!  Bonus points if you non-consensually upload the video to pornhub.com! Please subscribe to and spread support for Fe(mail) in order to support the women in your life and prove to them just how much you appreciate their bodies! Thanks for making America great again!

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You’ve Got (Fe)mail!

Beauty is Bald

Do you constantly find yourself home alone on a Saturday night, sitting on the couch, watching Netflix with your dog? Is nobody swiping right on your Tinder account? Don’t worry, we know the solution. It is a known fact that every single man alive is absolutely repulsed by body and face hair, so if you’re still single after 37 years, your hairiness is most definitely the reason why.

If you only shave your legs once a week, you must increase the frequency of this necessary hygiene habit to three times a day—at least. If you don’t wax the bottom of your feet—well, you better start doing that now. Do you have even a single lone eyelash? What are you waiting for?! Tweeze it, you wild animal! If your scalp is covered with even a remote amount of fuzz, two scenarios may occur: the best case scenario is that men will vomit profusely when they see you, and the worst case scenario is that you will die alone…but not before getting rejected by your 87-year-old-widowed-seven-times neighbor named Herb.

Haven’t you heard?! Eyebrows are SO 1973! Shave ‘em off! Get rid of your dog, while you’re at it. Dog hair on your clothing is utterly unappealing and will cause every man to turn away and crinkle their nose in disgust upon seeing you. If you pluck, tweeze, thread, wax, laser, or shave every single square inch of your body, we can positively guarantee that you will attract your very own Prince Charming in 3-5 business days—you’re welcome!

Beauty is Bald