The Poor are Actually Useful, Who Would’ve Thought?

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Dear North Atlantic Post,

It is Day 23 of the Emergency Population Lockdown and I am APPALLED by the regulations or lack thereof by the United States government. They have failed to solve the problem of overpopulation doing as little as possible exacting zero percent change in our dire circumstances. I am surviving on two meals a day for God sake. Why should I sacrifice my good health for those filthy, little families who didn’t have enough sense to stop popping out children like rabbits on a farm? The government is asking ME to compensate for THEIR actions and I am simply bewildered as to why?

Nevertheless, overpopulation is a problem we are all faced with so I shall propose a solution to all our worries as well as punish those who caused this disruption. I propose we inflict a genetic test on every person on this Earth, especially those little runts in China and India, scanning for inferior properties unsuitable to be included in the future human gene pool. What do you mean by inferior properties you ask? All of the qualities that cause problems. Homelessness, poverty, any diagnosis with the word ‘disorder’, crooked teeth, squinty eyes, improper eyesight, and too much hair on body are all genetic abnormalities that need to be expelled from the system in order to bounce back from this crisis. Each person will be screened for these traits and those testing positive will move to a separate room of the center. Here, the dirty peasants will be given shackles with chains leading up to the ceiling and stand over big red squares. It is at this point the attendants will step away from the traitors being sure to keep on their gas masks and hazmat suits on until they are at a safe distance. The red squares will drop suspending the people upside down held up by the chains linked to the ceiling. Doctors will be brought into the room (wearing masks, of course) to make the proper cuts to the arteries to drain out the valuable blood. Resources have grown scarce so the blood, although genetically inferior, is useful to the economy.

These genetic traits are linked to the probability of having more iron and petroleum, components useful in the production of gasoline. The oil refineries and gas stations were the first to go at the start of this lockdown so this would solve three problems: overpopulation, genetic inferiority, and the fuel shortage crisis. People need to commute and travel places to get away from the stress of being in a crisis. This way we can decrease their stress and stimulate the economy at the same time. We can replace the gasoline with human blood to save money and make the reapings more efficient. Although Native Indians were a disgusting people, they did use all parts of the animal making the process more worthwhile. People would have to be careful when filling up the car to make sure they don’t contract AIDS but this is similar to the handling of gasoline so their daily lives would hardly be disturbed.

The only potential problem would be how to convince people to take the genetic test. Personally, I would suggest making a flyer emphasizing the noble aspect of the draft reminding them of the benefits their sacrifice will be to the human race as a whole. They need to know that they are inferior and they need to know that they should die. People would gladly submit to the organization if they knew that they were sinful, filthy, dirty, liars.

Please consider my proposal, preferably you should send it to your connections at the Department of Health as they have been very rude in their absence of communication after my multiple emails. My son, Edward, is slowly dying… for a soda so the crisis at hand has gotten to severe levels. People like this need to take responsibility for their actions and save Edward from his thirst.

Sincerely,

Marsha Edgerly

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The Poor are Actually Useful, Who Would’ve Thought?

Heroes Aren’t Always Heroic

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Alameda County, CA – Weather has gotten crazy with numerous power outages and broken down power lines. The local broadcasters say the brand new hurricane sweeping the area is to blame for the snapped power lines… But we all know the real reason, fat Spider-Man. Spider-Man was a popular hero to kids back in the day but now, he has grown older. Spider-Man considers the safety of his job and has decided to no longer rely on the unstable web that shoots from his hand. Instead, he has resorted to crawling across power lines like a sloth in order to get around.

Another unfortunate cause of Spider-Man’s age is that he has grown a fondness for sweets after resorting to stress-eating after his love, Mary Jane Watson, left him for Sandman. Due to his sweet tooth, he has gained some pounds causing him to fill out his suit and break some of the trusty power lines. This has become a real problem for the city costing thousands of dollars in taxpayer money.

One of our intelligent reporters interviewed Jimmy Newton who claimed, “Spider-Man crashed through my window late Friday night. I was like ‘What?’ and he was like ‘woahhh’”. Our reporter was very convinced that Spider-Man is the cause for the chaos around the city. Spider-Man is now wanted for breaking and entering and destruction of public property. If you have any information, you should call 1-800-Spider-Man-Did-WHAAA to reach our hotline. For those helping with the search party, Spider-man goes to Charles’s Bakery every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 

Heroes Aren’t Always Heroic