Reliable News! Exatly how you want it to be.

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Just yesterday, a man was murdered while walking through a park in Charleston, Southern Carolina. These are the only details that we share with other news outlets. Why exactly is this? It is because our rival stations report the wrong information. Fortunately, you, the people, have access to completely accurate information regarding every news story when you tune in to our reports. Why are we the most reliable news source? You may ask why we are more credible than the other news outlets that we criticize. Our news is the most credible because it always aligns with your opinions and thoughts. We truly care for the wellbeing of our audience and we reflect this by reporting the information that follows your preferences.

Now that we have erased any confusion on discrepancies between stories, we can continue with the main section of this article. Just yesterday, a twenty six year old man named Kenny had been shot and left to die in a park. Our rival news stations report a wide variety of possible suspects in this crime. Some have said that the crime had been committed by terrorists. Others have said it was by Kenny’s friends. One outlet even said it was perpetrated by an elderly woman…not sure who could have thought about that. Our news outlet has compiled the true facts though. After interviewing key witnesses that were not bribed or paid at all, we learned that the man who killed Kenny was in fact a Mexican. This means that Kenny had been killed by a gang member. We have come to that conclusion since if people of a certain race commit a crime, than their motivation can only come from one source. This data originates from a study completed by theorists from Pulaski, Tennessee, a town known mostly for its reliable research. We make sure to include their studies and theories whenever we can.

Rival news stations have stated that the man who shot Kenny was working alone but that just isn’t possible. Obviously this was a result of gang violence. In order to be an inherent enemy of a gang, someone would have to be a member of a rival gang. Kenny was a black man and black people can only commit gang related violence. Therefore, this crime was the result of a gang war. We have not been able to identify possible accomplices or members of either gang but they are still out there.

Our enemy news station, DMM, who supplies only fake news, states that Kenny had not been part of a gang at all but was actually in the process of being robbed before being shot. They even went as far as publishing a video of the altercation, which showed Kenny walking down the street before being attacked by the robber. Kenny was shown to be defenseless with only his fists as weapons. A brief struggle occurred before Kenny was shot. This video was obviously edited or produced in a studio to be delivered to the braindead liberals that listen to DMM. During the real event, Kenny would have had a gun too.

*Later*
We have come back with even more important news. The shooter was re-identified. He is not Mexican but actually of Arab origin. This means that the shooter was not part of a gang but was actually a terrorist. This has been the third Muslim terrorist attack on American soil this year and it is time that we put a stop to it. Since all Muslim crimes are inherently terrorist attacks, the only way to stop terrorist attacks is by banning Muslims from entering the country. Some people contradict this idea, even going as far as saying the shooter was not even Muslim. Since he was Arab, he has to be Muslim though. The special snowflake liberals do not seem to know their facts right. Stay tuned on Coyote News™ after this infomercial to acquire more evidence that fit your prejudices. 

Reliable News! Exatly how you want it to be.

The Secure Truth

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Within the last few months, a number of major events occurring across the world have been traced back to the Kremlin. Brexit, the US election, and the upcoming German and French elections have been suspected as of being interfered with by the Russian government. Clearly the Russians are planning to take over the entire world by installing puppet governments everywhere and forcing the country’s citizens to each have a photo of Putin riding a bear…shirtless! Driven by this frightening news, I have scheduled an in-person interview with an anonymous redditor who claims to be a US government employee that knows the truth behind what is going on. The supposed government employee seemed legitimate enough, his badge stated he worked for the “Америки security branch”. The writing for America looked weird but I assumed it was just smudged. Since this reliable agent was always working hard for the safety of America, his sweat probably eroded his ID. The man, whose named I learned was Mikhail, told me about the matters in private. “You see, the Russians have nothing to do with any of this. I am always on the lookout for their agents and I have not seen any of them.” The security guard was clearly proud of his work. I saw that there was no reason why I shouldn’t trust him so I let him continue speaking. “It’s actually the other way around, you see. Your…I mean our president is trying to interfere with my…the Russian politics. He is probably trying to take over Russia from the inside. I don’t think he is a real president but that all of this is actually an elaborate ruse to take over that magnificent…er dirty country.”

I shook his hand and left the interview feeling much more secure. With people like Mikhail watching over us, there was no chance that the Russians had somehow rigged the US election.

The Secure Truth