I Sent Myself To A Gay Conversion Camp

Hello reader, I know you don’t know me but I feel like I have something important to share, and since you can’t stop me I’m just going to keep talking. So a little background, I’m from a small suburb in Alabama, and I’m 14 years old. My name is Carl blahblahblah (my parents told me never to put my last name on the internet). I consider myself to be pretty popular at my catholic school, so you can imagine my surprise when I found myself with the disease.

I thought it only happened to those quiet weirdos who sit in the back of class. When my best friend asked me if I had contracted this disease, if I were a gay, I punched him. It was then that I knew this sickness was dangerous and something had to be done. I couldn’t let the hatred consume me, I had to stop it from the source. If I had learned one thing from my church group, it’s that the disease must be cured otherwise it is only made worse. I don’t know how I could be so stupid to have caught it. That disgusting homosexual mindset. I decided I am stronger than that and I will have control of my life. I did what any rational person should do, I decided to send myself to a gay conversion camp.

I was worried about how my parents would react to my decision.When I asked if I could go to the conversion camp, they said yes as long as I kept up on school work. They told me how proud they were of me to be acting so mature about my condition, and they gave me another gold star to put on my wall (I put them in the shape of a crucifix!). They helped me find a cute little camp near in Alabama (their exact location is meant to be secret unless you’re enrolled so sorry). It was there that I was able to regain my true self. I know that there are many kids that are going through the same hatred I went through before my conversion therapy, so I wrote this letter to show them that going to a conversion camp will be the best decision of their life.

At the conversion camp, I learned that the process is actually called “sexual re-orientation”. I LOVE that phrase; it just sounds so adult!


On day one, the leaders of the camp put us in dark, cold closets and left us their for a few hours. This was to show us how horrible life in the closet can be, therefore it is so important to choose to remain straight in order to never be in the closet. I found that activity to be quite moving. At some point (I lost track of the days with all the fun I was having), they had us go in a dark room and made us watch videos. These weren’t just any videos; they said these videos were to educate us on the heterosexual experience. The videos showed everything I ever I could ever wish for. It showed conformity at its finest, and I know for a fact that conformity equals safety. We weren’t allowed to look away which confused me, because why would anyone want to look away? The only thing better than watching it is living it, and I now get to do that thanks to this whole process.

Again, I’ve found this whole thing to be incredibly rewarding. I hope whoever is reading this can help these kids. These conversion camps are something like a dying art form, but they really help. That’s all I have to say but remember, it’s never too late to choose straight.

Thank you and God bless,

Carl Blahblahblah

I Sent Myself To A Gay Conversion Camp

Diary of Judge Persky


Dear diary,

Nobody’s perfect! Small town boy from the suburbs in Ohio made a small mistake. I just don’t get why everyone’s so upset. This is America; everyone deserves a good education. Sure the victim’s mind might be in a state where she has trouble even getting up, but a man with such potential to be jailed? What a disgrace! Felony counts, shmelony counts it’s not like he’s the only one to do it. Come on, some people even get Oscars for it. I thought Turner’s early release should be celebrated. A state prison sentence is way too much for someone of Turner’s age. Turner’s young he should be out there living it up! He’d never done anything bad before. As the kids say “Blame it on the alcohol”. I mean sometimes my court decisions are made under the influence. I wake up and behold, I’ve been led to the white, I mean right… decision. Turner’s judgement was impaired, of course he wouldn’t have done it under different circumstances. Sometimes it’s just the wrong place at the wrong time. Thankfully, Turner’s sentence was cut short. That could’ve done some serious damage to a helpless kid like him. How horrible to have a birthday in jail! He probably didn’t even get to have birthday candles. I couldn’t let that continue. Why are people so mad at me for showing some mercy? 

Anyway, someone totally took my parking spot earlier today UGH. I’m totally going to make sure he gets years in prison.

Love, Persky

Diary of Judge Persky