The Pregnancy Plague

Dear Edward Rutledge High School,

Today, I have been informed about the great plague that has fallen over our prestigious school. Valerie Fairman, a 16 year old Sophomore, has contracted the pregnancy plague and spread it to 6 other female students. This disease is highly infectious, and our school is doing everything it can to stop the spread of this deadly disease. In regards to Ms. Fairman, who was the first infected with the disease, I have heard talk about lynchings, and honestly I am appalled. How could you treat this young girl this way? Our school community needs to support Ms. Fairman and our fellow students transition into motherhood and adult hood. Beginning tomorrow after school, we will offer classes to those who want to support our diseased students on their journey to a disease-free life. These classes will teach students how to articulate the words “failure” in numerous contexts, and will teach them how to properly spread gossip amongst the school community.

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Pictured above is Valerie Fairman.

Ms. Fairman and her accomplices will undergo treatment (Better known as termination) as requested by the school board. The terminated child’s brain will then be studied and dissected in the Biology Lab, so Biology students can attempt to discover what gene causes a child to become a failure. If one of the diseased somehow avoids the treatment process, they will be publicly killed for all to see to ensure that our school will be cured of the pregnancy plague. Our wood shop students will begin the daunting process of building the gallows to be used for the public execution of the girls that are not cured. We want everyone in our school to help participate in some way.

In regards to your child catching the pregnancy plague, our teachers and staff have come up with the following precautions that all students should take:

  1. Be sure to have your child stay away from Valerie and her friends who she has infected. We don’t want your girls to catch the pregnancy plague.This can include rigging their lockers with bombs and setting their desks on fire.
  2. If they comes near you, scream and wail. If they gets too close, your child has the right to kick them in the stomach or push them to the ground.
  3. Constantly talk about how excited you are are to graduate. Those infected with the pregnancy plague will avoid this at all costs. On Friday afternoon, we will burn the graduation gowns of all who are infected. Everyone is invited.

Tomorrow, I invite you all to come to our school wide assembly. The diseased will be present, and our staff will make the official public announcement about their newly contracted disease. After this, the floor will be open for question and answers. You can ask the girls whatever questions you want! These include, but are not limited to, “Which Hooters are you going to start working at?” “When can we expect to see your unborn child’s fetus in the Bio lab?” “Can I have your textbook, since you won’t be in class anymore?”

Finally, I ask out of the kindness of your hearts, to help us raise funds for John Hamilton and his friends. John, the ex-boyfriend of Valerie, has been hit the hardest by the spread of the pregnancy plague. Because Valerie purposefully tried to drag John into her situation, our school wants to help support him and his fellow classmates who have been dragged into the pregnancy plague in the rest of their lives. This fundraiser, which will consist of hitting Valerie to see who can make her miscarry first, will benefit John and hopefully pay for the remainder of his high school and his college Tuition. I kindly ask that you consider helping out the less fortunate at our school, and this community service will look great on college transcripts. For these reasons, I genuinely ask you to help cure our school of this plague.

Sincerely,

Principal Ramish

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The Pregnancy Plague

My Mom Wants Me To Die From Social Suicide

image1My Mom has finally done it. She’s put me over the edge. Today to school I wore a pink shirt with flowers on it. May I repeat, A PINK SHIRT WITH FLOWERS ON IT! NO ONE at my school wears these kind of childish and unstylish shirts. Everyone at school must think that I am a baby. All of the cool 7th grade girls have boyfriends because they have THE shirts. Their shirts are pristine white, uncreased, and are from the holy grail: Forever 21. That place in the mall with the bright yellow bags. The place where the shirts read “I only did it to get likes” and “Kiss Me, I dare you.” The place where miniskirts and crop tops dominate the sales floor. My mom says I am too young to shop at this place. What? Come Again? Is she ok? Like should we take her to the doctor? Like it’s 2017. It’s the year of dressing to impress! Miley Cyrus gallivants around wearing little to nothing, and everyone loves her. Everyone in magazines and on TV wears mini skirts and bra tops, so why can’t I wear them too?! I am going to be a loser forever if I don’t wear those Forever 21 clothes. Since my Mom has no sense of style and won’t listen to me, I’ve come to the conclusion that my Mom hates me, and simply wants me to die a slow and painful death.

My funeral is next Monday, in case you were concerned.

My Mom Wants Me To Die From Social Suicide