Roy G. Biv

Racism in America, is a problem our great nation has suffered for 200 + years.  So, so, so many solutions have been attempted, none of them to any avail.  Civil rights programs, affirmative action, and yet the United States is almost as divided as ever!  While we may not be suffering at levels of the civil war, or even the 60s it’s still horrendous.  So I, Dr. Mike Litoris, has finally devised a tried and true solution to this social epidemic.  However, before announcing my solution, I feel the the need to explain some background information to really drive the point home.  Racism, and racial superiority come from a form of ethnic nationalism, an extension of true-country nationalism.  However, many people take their pride in their country a step further, and decided that the color of their skin is something to be proud of as well.  

This, is where i drew my inspiration for my country-saving idea.  I came to the the conclusion that because nobody gets to choose their ethnicity (except Michael Jackson of course) and the pride is based on unity with their similarly hued colleagues.  So my solution, comes from an idea of getting to choose your “group.”  

By choosing your group, one can feel pride in it, in a non-offensive and non dangerous matter.  My idea, is that once a person turns 18, they are mandated by our fine government, to choose a color from the preset selections.  The color chosen, is completely up to personal preference, as long as it is government approved.  Once a color is selected, it becomes a part of their daily life: there license is stamped with that color, that is the color they must wear, that color becomes a middle name (ex. Mike Mamplain).  To really drive the point home, their genetic makeup is altered, making their skin a tinted pigment of that color.

  I know what you are thinking, “he can’t be serious, how can their be unity if they are different colors… etc” well reader,  you didn’t let me finish.   First of all, yes I am serious thank you very much.   Another pattern regarding ethnic and national pride I have observed, is that although it tends to spike because of sport, it is increased in a safe and relatively friendly (but competitive) manner.   There are many many examples of this, from the world cups, to olympics, to many others.  

So phase 2 of my plan, is that a certain number of people are randomly chosen from each color (effectively acting as a team) to compete against each other color, in sports.  (I will admit, the idea was inspired by Suzanne Collins “The Hunger Games, but to be fair, that was stolen from a Japanese book “Battle Royale.  I’m not kidding, look it up.)  The winning color is awarded government incentives as a whole, making new coming 18 year olds more likely to choose that color.  When more people choose a color, that color can “evolve” past the other ones, making a new, united “race” of people.  As with how evolution goes, it is survival of the the fittest.  So, to do this, the losing teams are executed, to better evolve the rest of that color, in a darwinian type of thing.   The idea behind choosing a color, is to be a part of a team, one bigger than yourself.   By choosing a color, we are getting rid of dumb ethnic racism, instead giving the commoners a way to vent, in the form of team athletics.   Sport breeds unity.  Unity breeds strength!

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The president is already doing this, painting himself a nice shade of orange.
Roy G. Biv

Donald Trump to build wall along Canadian border.

“Don’t think you’re not getting a wall too,  Snow Mexicans.

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A Canadian immigrant attempts to climb a border fence.  Trump’s proposed wall would be “YUGE!!!!!!

Those are the words the President tweeted last Sunday night, in response to the visit by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.  The interaction between the leaders started off friendly enough, and a warm handshake was exchanged.  Though very few questions were answered afterwards about the meeting, the president was all smiles 2 hours later at Trudeau’s departure.  About a day after the Canadian left, however, a photo surfaced of Ivanka Trump staring longingly at the Prime Minister.  The Donald was reportedly very “jealous” of the attention Ivanka was giving Justin, claiming “I don’t know why Ivanka is so fond of {Justin} I mean, she’s not his daughter.”  The sentence is apparently a reference to an earlier, infamous quote, “perhaps if {Ivanka} wasn’t my daughter, I would be dating her.” After the image went viral, President Trump promised to get revenge against the handsome leader of Canada, and assumingly all of his citizens.  We managed to talk to Trump’s chief strategist, Steve Bannon, on the events.   We barely were able to recognize him with his ghost-halloween costume on.  He had very little to say, all we were able to make out was “…South will rise again”  He then proceeded to tear off all of his clothes and ran away into the night.  When announcing to congress plans to build a wall, Canadian-born Senator Ted Cruz seemed very uncomfortable, for some reason.  We also managed to get a word from Justin himself.  After catching up to him, he dismounted his Royal Canadian Moose.   While drinking a cup of maple syrup, all he had to say was “Sorry, I don’t really care aboot what your talking about, eh?  Sorry eh.”

Donald Trump to build wall along Canadian border.