Rape Isn’t That Bad, Just Ask Ke$ha!

Dear Feminists,

Sexual assault? No big deal. Trust me, I’ve been there. The fact that there are celebrities such as Amber Rose who openly support movements like feminism, racial equality, and most importantly, anti-rape causes, absolutely, undeniably disgusts me. She created this thing called the Slut Walk, like, what is the Slut Walk even supposed to be about anyway? Apparently it’s a movement of protests and rallies full of people who advocate for an end of rape culture. Let’s be real, as long as women dress provocatively, rape will never end! It’s called a Slut Walk for God’s sake, as long as women keep referring to themselves as sluts, then so will everyone else! Women act like they are dressing for themselves. Don’t they know that a woman’s only true purpose is to fulfill a man’s life? Cat-calling women, body shaming and body policing people should be normalized as soon as possible to keep all these protests from happening, no questions asked. I mean, I was even raped, and the whole experience in itself wasn’t as bad as people make it seem!

Rape, especially in the music industry is SO exaggerated. The truth is, I technically asked for it. The way I portray myself on the media was technically a huge banner that says, RAPE ME! Dr. Luke decided to drug me to the point where I was unconscious. After I knocked out, he took me to his room, took advantage of my body, and I woke up the next morning with a pounding migraine. I had no clothes on and no memory of what happened the night before whatsoever. Since my body was aching and I was completely naked, I put two and two together and thought: Oh! He probably raped me, it’s all good. It’s my fault anyway. He didn’t hear a no physically come out of my mouth, so that gave him every right to rape me, right? As long as you do not hear a no, then that completely counts as consent, right? Actually, even if there was no given consent in the situation, he was still basically allowed to violate my “not-so-personal” space (since my space is also his), since, like I said earlier, a woman’s only true purpose is to fulfill a man! Let’s be real though, I am a woman working with a man who is 13 years older than me, what did I expect?

To be honest, maybe I should have known better. I should have known that 80% of all rape receivers are under the age of 30, so I had a pretty high chance of getting raped. Plus, ⅘ of assaults are committed by someone known by the receiver, so most definitely I could have guessed that Dr. Luke was going to do that to me anyway. Not to mention, I have been portrayed as a slut and as a provocative female on the media, so of course that automatically gave Dr. Luke the right to treat me the way he did. Maybe next time instead of getting raped, I should just say no. That is how it works right? Like, how do people get raped? Just say no. If people do not want to be raped, then they should just keep their legs closed. It’s not like rape is by force or anything.

Submissively yours,

Ke$ha Rose Sebert

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Rape Isn’t That Bad, Just Ask Ke$ha!

“Oh Of Course You Can Touch My Hair; Fourth Annual Curl Exhibit”

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OAKLAND, CA— Here in this exotic city filled with numerous creatures, for this time around Curl Exhibit is hosting it’s fourth annual showcase right here in the heart of Oakland. These exhibits are extraordinary showcasing animals extremely soft fur ranging from all different colors, shapes, sizes and textures. These tamed animals are put on pedestals displaying their touchable fur to the public. Each year around we have numerous gatherers pulling out their phones, cameras, and microscopes all to see what they have paid for. The people in the exhibit are extremely friendly and absolutely love when their fur is touched, inspected, and felt. Bob, one of Curl Exhibits most exotic individual says, “Oh of course you can touch my hair!” “I love it so much” smiling happily as his hair is touched and looked upon.  Sally Benson says, “I’ve never seen such a thing! I’m so fascinated that I secretly snip a piece of hair to keep with me forever AND EVER.” Each year this Curl Exhibit really teaches that touching people’s hair, is by far not weird, or undesired by the individuals. So if you want to see this 2 day Curl Exhibit go on, come on by on March 25, 2016 at 1257 Market Street to get your fingers truly caught into something great. 

 

“Oh Of Course You Can Touch My Hair; Fourth Annual Curl Exhibit”

Maple Syrup Deemed “Cure-All”

 

         Two Canadian parents are receiving praise from around the world for making a natural concoction that served as a cure for the potentially lethal meningitis. The duo refused to vaccinate him because of previous negative experiences with the Canadian Health System. Instead of dealing with terrible service and the E.R. for a few hours, the couple used natural remedies such as mashed onion, rabbit blood, pure rose oil, salt, and maple syrup to treat their son. Since the meningococcal  vaccine was developed in the 1970’s, the couple deemed it unsafe in fear that the toddler would contract boogie fever and autism.

          When Ezekiel contracted meningitis,  his parents broke out their book of shadows, cauldron and went to work. Astounded Dr. Ima Profesh exclaimed, “It’s incredible really. These parents knew how to treat their son, even when they had no experience with pediatric health care whatsoever!” The couple are now looking into the future with their plans to research what other lethal diseases could be treated with herbs and animal blood.

Maple Syrup Deemed “Cure-All”

Scientists at Stanford Research Lab Discover Why Socks Disappear


For centuries man has asked the singular question, “Where are my socks?”. Well after years of searching science has finally come up with the answer. Lead researcher Seymour Butts, in an exclusive interview stated, “The law of conservation of matter states that matter can neither be created or destroyed. It is through this philosophy that scientists at the Stanford University physics Laboratory have found the answer to the age old question of where socks go.” They have been able to determine that, dryer lint is, in fact, the mangled remains of missing socks. Their study shows that when exposed to the heat and tumbling of the dryer the socks undergo rapid physical changes breaking down to their simplest parts… LINT. This discovery has prompted further research in the field of dryers in applied physics, and local appliance companies are working on a less destructive dryer. Dr. Butts has not only discovered what happens to socks but also believes that with mild adjustments dryers can be used as a more cost efficient particle accelerator. This research truly opens the gates to the future of man kind, and one day, maybe one day we will have the everlasting socks we truly deserve.IMG_2323

Scientists at Stanford Research Lab Discover Why Socks Disappear

The Dangerous Pant Pockets

At certain high schools with tew pantshe dress code being uniform, pants with pockets are not allowed. This is totally understandable knowing the reasons as to why such rule was put into place. Students can do and place all sorts of horrific things in their butt pocket such as put a pet in there and bring it to school and even hide their phones in there which is such a terrible thing. Imagine the students bringing their phones to class with them and hiding them from their teachers, the only way they would be able to do this is if they had butt pockets and thankfully we do not allow that. Students should be able to learn their lesson because we discipline them  by giving them detentions which is totally not a waste of time. Having pockets attached to their pants can bring the whole world to an end, knowing that these high school students would become rebels if they had holes in their pants. Either way it is not like pants without pockets are hard to find, you can go into any store and just ask for pants with no open pockets on them. You know they could easily unstitch the pockets and they will look marvelous. Honestly, the real problem at schools are the students for not understanding such fashionista trends, the pants with no pockets.

The Dangerous Pant Pockets