HOLLYWOOD, CA – I woke up this morning and wanted to share my daily routine with all the regular people who aren’t pretty enough to be models like me. When I get up in the morning I start by putting on my makeup and then using the extra cotton balls I have for my breakfast. If you drench them in orange juice it makes for a really healthy meal. There are no carbs and you get half of your daily value of Vitamin C. As my day progresses and I’m tired from sitting around all day in one place and taking at least 50 pictures, I go for my lunch break. My lunch consists of snorting cocaine and getting my daily 1000 milligrams of Adderall. This is completely fat free and has little to no side effects. I have only passed out twice this week! After I am done with lunch I get my daily colonic and I go home to have dinner with the girls. We drink champagne and if we are feeling indulgent we may even eat a whole tissue. It’s only 90 calories, but sometimes it is risky because it has a whole 40 milligrams of sodium. I hope this can help you look and feel as great as me.
I regret to inform the audience that our scientific research facility has brought back very negative information about the extraterrestrial species discovered recently. Much like us, they appear to be carbon-based. These beings receive sustenance exclusively off of other living matter, unable to convert sunlight or consume methane. They are also infested with a variety of microbes, any one of which could be lethal. The social practices of these aliens are also twisted and weird. They employ brutally self-defeating systems, creating tribe-like “nations”, many of which operate using a system that requests that they unapologetically overtake and abandon members of their own race heartlessly. They also have constant and unyielding civil war throughout their planet, denying members of their own species the exact same rights that they claim to hold as universal. They will often use religions, even ones which outright condemn violence, as justifications for their actions. These aliens have been seen to be deeply territorial and violent, and the history of their species shows a pattern of forcibly exploring uncharted territory, claiming the land, and then massacring existing denizens of the area. This is a final warning. These aliens are amoral, violent, self-defeating, illogical, and relentless. Avoid humanity. Avoid the strange planet known as “Earth”.