Within the last few months, a number of major events occurring across the world have been traced back to the Kremlin. Brexit, the US election, and the upcoming German and French elections have been suspected as of being interfered with by the Russian government. Clearly the Russians are planning to take over the entire world by installing puppet governments everywhere and forcing the country’s citizens to each have a photo of Putin riding a bear…shirtless! Driven by this frightening news, I have scheduled an in-person interview with an anonymous redditor who claims to be a US government employee that knows the truth behind what is going on. The supposed government employee seemed legitimate enough, his badge stated he worked for the “Америки security branch”. The writing for America looked weird but I assumed it was just smudged. Since this reliable agent was always working hard for the safety of America, his sweat probably eroded his ID. The man, whose named I learned was Mikhail, told me about the matters in private. “You see, the Russians have nothing to do with any of this. I am always on the lookout for their agents and I have not seen any of them.” The security guard was clearly proud of his work. I saw that there was no reason why I shouldn’t trust him so I let him continue speaking. “It’s actually the other way around, you see. Your…I mean our president is trying to interfere with my…the Russian politics. He is probably trying to take over Russia from the inside. I don’t think he is a real president but that all of this is actually an elaborate ruse to take over that magnificent…er dirty country.”
I shook his hand and left the interview feeling much more secure. With people like Mikhail watching over us, there was no chance that the Russians had somehow rigged the US election.