Dear Parents of the Younger Generation,
I am here to inform you that your child is diagnosed, with a disease called Delusional. My assistant has informed me that, your daughter had claimed to have a rare case of depression, but that is not true. I have seen this in many cases, in which young adults from ages 14-18, are using depression as their excuse to get out of many school inquiries.
This past year I had a patient who had come to me with the belief that she had been diagnosed with depression. I had given this patient all the tests and procedures in order to ensure that she was truly depressed, and she had passed with flying colors. So, I prescribed her antidepressants and also referred her to a therapist in which, she will be able to talk about her problems. I worked so hard for this girl to open up to me and tell me how she really felt about the world and her surroundings. I felt that her depression had continuously increase after every check up. I was also informed by her parents that this patient had been skipping school often. Skipping school became a weekly occurrence, and slowly developed into an everyday task. Thus, I had upped her antidepressants dosage to everyday, and also had her meet with her therapist at least four times a week.
I had felt complete sympathy for this child, and so did her school and mother, who was completely worried that her daughter was just on the edge of committing suicide. With this on the patient’s mother’s mind she had gone into her bedroom to take away any items or materials in which this patient could harm herself, but when doing so the mother had come across a drawer full of cash, almost $5000 to be exact, and right beside the money were bottles of antidepressants, that had been packed into small baggies, as if she had been running a drug dealing business. Her mother had put the pieces together and realized that her daughter was nowhere near depressed, and only wanted to make some extra cash, by selling antidepressants to other teens for recreational use and to get high off of these pills. Later that week, I was informed about the situation and discovered that this patient was also skipping all of her sessions with the therapist, and was just bribing her, with the money she got from selling antidepressants, to inform me that she was not making any progress, and was “present” during the times of their meetings.
After this whole fiasco, we have taken more precautions to ensure that this does not happen again. Through much experimentation we have found that the only real cure for depression is suicide, to put the patient out of his/her misery. Thus we have created one of our biggest installments called the Trauma Experiment. This is a social experiment, in which their whole family, friends, and school are involved. In this experiment, the patient will be faced with all of the leading causes of depression at once. We will ensure that the one they love the most dies of a brutal death, we will ensure that the patient’s family cannot stand living with him/her, we will make sure that the student is set up for failure in all their classes, we will pay students to physically and socially bully the patient, and to put this all into perspective, just make the patient’s life a living hell. Then how we will determine whether or not this patient is truly depressed, we will catalog how long it will take until the patient commits suicide, then when the patient has finally committed suicide we diagnose the teen with a severe case of depression and then we do not have to deal with the patient anymore.
I hope this information enlightened you of the fact that teen depression is all just a hoax!
Sincerely,
Dr. Nutty McNutterson
Satire and The American Dream 