A Proposal to Trump on Ending World Hunger

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Dearest Trump,

I am reaching out to inform you about a possible solution to end hunger around the world. Me, being the CEO of one of the greatest companies in the world, Monstanto, would know better than anyone what is best for all people considering I am the most caring man in the word!

Why should I be trusted? I run a successful business, like you my friend. In fact, we are much alike, you and I, being both rich and charming. Recent statistics of my company have shown that I have sold almost fourteen billion dollars in agricultural sales in the span of only one year! (Nace, Monsanto). This is enough food to feed the world, my friend! Do you know what is better than just feeding the world? Giving Americans seconds and thirds. It’s like it was back in grade school when the teacher would treat everyone to a cupcake each with some cupcakes left over. What good is it to just have one cupcake? It is better to take in as much as possible, enjoy yourself, and leave the rest to starve.

Here’s what I propose: Obviously, world hunger is a major issue in our world in many countries such as sub-saharan Africa and other third world countries. Recent statistics show that Africa alone holds almost one third of the worldly number of undernourished people (World Hunger News, 2016). All of these people go day in and day out being nothing but disappointments to themselves and their families, failing to find a simple piece of bread. Surely enough we could help them out, but lets face it Donald, you and I are caring businessmen and helping them out will not cure them from their savage ways of stealing food to live! So Imagine a world without the third world. We’d not have to worry about feeding others, instead, we get to worry about ourselves, God’s chosen people. In addition, we would be saving our world from pollution from these nasty third world countries that like to pollute the land. Why take care of them? Here’s a better idea: we “release” the people living in poverty in third world countries, such as sub-saharan Africa, so they can live in a place full of eternal happiness.

This is a perfect plan and it’s a win, win situation. The person living in poverty would no longer have to hold the shame of coming home to their families without food, being disappointments to their families, and resulting in stealing from others. No one ever wants to live like that, so we would be doing them a justice by killing them. In addition, roughly with the billion or so impoverished people being killed, a lot of land would open up in places, specifically in sub-saharan Africa; these places could be used more wisely to our benefit. Let’s think about it from a religious standpoint: the lord will praise them from sacrificing their lives for the good of us, so therefore we would be doing them good by killing them. The lord himself can then teach these people and lead them away from their backwards ways.

How will we execute this plan? As leader of one of the biggest corporations in the world, it is quite simple. We would have to open up free food markets in third world countries. These markets would only be accessible to the poorest of people. When a father who is in need of food goes to the market and is given the food, we would have already drugged the food by then so that twenty four hours after a last peaceful dinner, that father, his wife and their children would be instantly dead. Not only would doing this save our money, but all deaths would be peacefully done and would be done out of consideration for the world as a whole. This plan can seem risky but these markets would only be made available to the poorest of people.

Thank you for your time and I hope you consider this considerate suggestion.

Love,

Grant Hughes

CEO,  Monstanto

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A Proposal to Trump on Ending World Hunger

The Donald calls for public apology from “little Rubio” for bullying him on national television

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WASHINGTON D.C. “I was very insulted by little Rubio saying that I have little hands and I had to go to counseling for three days. It has had a YUUUGE impact on my life and I want him to publically ap-logize”, said The Donald in a recent interview done by CNN. Trump has been nothing but tears in the last few days, claiming that this public apology will make the healing process for him go much faster so that he can get back to defeating ISIS. Senator Marco Rubio on the issue recently said in an interview with Fox News that “Trump was being a meanie to [him] by calling him little”, so Rubio felt the comment was rather justified and that Trump was “acting like a little girl”. As a result of this conflict, Rubio’s poll numbers among the southern rednecks has tanked completely due to his commentary on Trump’s hands. As one southern redneck commented, “Yeesh, I jus’ don’t lak a bully who makes fun of people’s hands. I ‘member people used to call me ‘lil hands Billy’ err time I went to the city; and us southern folks don’t lak dese comments ‘cus we all got dem lil’ hands down ‘ere in de south!” Well, there you have it from Lil Hands Billy in the south, who claims that the hands controversy has been a bigger issue than global warming and world hunger combined! In the end, Trumps poll numbers have raised by a mere 4%. More to come as FBI investigation of Rubio’s hand  comments continue.

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The Donald calls for public apology from “little Rubio” for bullying him on national television