Okay but what is Immigration really? Some Americans get so aggravated and insulted when people approve and defend the rights of immigrants in the United States. But here’s some devastating news if you haven’t known already. The WHOLE United States was built off Immigration. Crazy right? If it weren’t for the Europeans coming over, taking over Native American land along with the Hispanic land, colonizing it and abusing their power to become one of the most powerful nations in the world… they still would have taken over some other land; but of course we’d probably all speak a different language along with having a COMPLETELY different lifestyle. So what’s the harm with having people from other countries live in the UNITED States. I mean we are the land of strength and opportunity, why single out those who want it? Is it because obviously taking what’s not your is not acceptable? Not at all. This is America we’re perfect! So it’s true, immigrants try to take everything away from the Americans in the United States? Of course! I mean, if Lations, didn’t do the work Americans hate to do it makes sense blaming them for our decrease in jobs within the American people. Of course being born IN America with immigrants parents isn’t enough to consider yourself American. This immigration thing is crazy! “They are PEOPLE just like you and me trying to grab opportunity and strength in the so called Land of the Free.” Get that out of here!
#horatiansatire
YouTube’s Downfall . . .
Having more free time than other people, local child named Bobby Martin has just announced that he will never watch YouTube again. Bobby said, “YouTube has been tumbling down in views lately and I feel that its staff members aren’t working hard enough to establish a proper place to be able to upload videos.” Bobby went on to say how YouTube used to be exciting and thrilling when he would log onto YouTube, but he hasn’t felt that way recently from the less views it has been receiving. He then states that, “Other people around the world should stop watching the videos in this website as well because of the recent downhill road it is going into.” Is this the end of the popular video sharing website that has over ‘a billion hours watched every single day’? Going into the website as of today, views in YouTube have dramatically dropped according to Bobby. It has also been reported to us that he doesn’t experience the same feelings that he does for YouTube. Bobby wants to see the change that he wasn’t seen to hopefully revive the website altogether. From what Bobby is stating, it seems that the website’s staff isn’t doing anything to fix the problems for their viewers, especially with the removal of unskippable thirty second advertisements. From the information given to us today, this is the reason why YouTube is finally at it’s downfall. People are losing interest in YouTube and it is not long until the website loses most of its viewers.
Trump’s Christmas Plans
Donald Trump releases his first budget plan as President and it is evident the amount of interest Trump has in the military. The plan is suppose to free up 54 billion on military spending, which will come from programs like the EPA.
It’s being reported that President Trump’s first action will be to recreate the Trojan Horse. Reports say Trump received the idea after watching the movie Troy with his second best friend Mike Pence. Although it would serve as a peaceful gift, Trump says to ensure that the new military budget be used Trump said he would throw in a couple of nuclear weapons as a bonus, thus using all 54 billion.
When asked about the hit the EPA will have Trump stated, “I will use the dumped steel of China to build it, thus taking the illegal dumping problem of the EPA’s hands.”
The Republican led Congress and Senate appear ready to pass it as Trump promised all those who favored it an extra day of vacation. His hope is to have it complete by Christmas so he can give to his best friend Putin.
Reaction worldwide has been very accepting of this new tactic taken by the 45th President of the United States. China and North Korea have been two close allies that have taken great exception, and reports coming from the Kremlin are saying that they receive the gift with open arms.
It looks like all the doubt that came with President Trump has been put to rest, as he has been able to do the impossible. Our future looks bright America.
Diary of Judge Persky
Dear diary,
Nobody’s perfect! Small town boy from the suburbs in Ohio made a small mistake. I just don’t get why everyone’s so upset. This is America; everyone deserves a good education. Sure the victim’s mind might be in a state where she has trouble even getting up, but a man with such potential to be jailed? What a disgrace! Felony counts, shmelony counts it’s not like he’s the only one to do it. Come on, some people even get Oscars for it. I thought Turner’s early release should be celebrated. A state prison sentence is way too much for someone of Turner’s age. Turner’s young he should be out there living it up! He’d never done anything bad before. As the kids say “Blame it on the alcohol”. I mean sometimes my court decisions are made under the influence. I wake up and behold, I’ve been led to the white, I mean right… decision. Turner’s judgement was impaired, of course he wouldn’t have done it under different circumstances. Sometimes it’s just the wrong place at the wrong time. Thankfully, Turner’s sentence was cut short. That could’ve done some serious damage to a helpless kid like him. How horrible to have a birthday in jail! He probably didn’t even get to have birthday candles. I couldn’t let that continue. Why are people so mad at me for showing some mercy?
Anyway, someone totally took my parking spot earlier today UGH. I’m totally going to make sure he gets years in prison.
Love, Persky
Life Of A Little Rebel
Why should I pick up my toys? I am two years old and can do whatever the heck I want to do. I am my own person. I make the rules, I’m in charge. Here is my opportunity. I am gonna use my voice and say what I want. I see her approaching ready to say, “You get down here now and pick up your toys or no TV”. Ready. Here I go! NO. NO. NO.
I can pick up my toys on my own time, and honestly that will never happen. All I like to do is watch Frozen and The Lion King on Youtube. Why should I have to take time out of watching TV to do what my parents tell me to do. The feeling of being able to have my toys ready at my feet is liberating. If I wanted to I could jump off the coach into a pile of legos. Who wouldn’t want to experience that? Drinking apple juice while sitting back on the couch eating goldfish is the life. I have become a master at manipulating my parents. All I have to do is cry and whine and next thing you know, I have a pacifier in my mouth and the TV turned to Aladdin. Every kid should be able to experience the luxury I have. At the end of the day TV is my closest friend and I never want that to change. I will only move from the coach to sleep or get my needed food supplies. You will never catch me outside.
Standardized but NOT Equal
Welcome in, now sit down and take a standardized test on material your school didn’t bother to teach you. There somehow wasn’t enough math books for your geometry class last year, so you probably won’t do too good in that section. Oh, and there was forty students in your english class freshman year, so you won’t do good there either. We know you have not been sufficiently prepared for the test like others have, but you have to take it anyway. Without it say goodbye to your chance of getting into the four year university of your dreams. Wait, it’s not like you could afford it anyway, college cost like a million bucks nowadays. But don’t complain, it’s a standardized test, so everyone is on the same playing field, right? Even those rich kids who go to the private school 10 minutes away from your house, and have parents who invest half a grand for an ACT tutor. Meanwhile, your mom could barely afford for you to take the test. Lets not get started on how you couldn’t study for the test because spent all of your evenings doing homework, and watching your little sister, while your mom worked extra shifts. It really is unfortunate, but we will still compare you to all of those students even though you come from a very different lifestyle and educational background. We use the test as a generic way to put a number on your intelligence. Good luck though, we hope you do great.
Husbands could be Hair Stylists too!
Dissatisfied husbands has been nagging non-stop to their wives to have a new look, concerning the fact that they are losing hair. Husbands always seem embarrassed to be seen with their wife. He suggest to his spouse to straighten and to color their hair in order to hide the bald spots. As if he was the hair expert…
But she considers it.
What a better way to simply iron her hair at the hottest temperature and perfectly couple up as much strands as she can, in order to have a collection of them on her hand! Having done this, she has gained more hair as ever before. She looks young again!
Then you would go to the parlor, spend about $150-200; but instead it would only help cover the white strands not the bald spots.
So as months pass by as she comb and straighten your hair, more strands start to fall out. And nothing is getting better. Her husband asks her, “What happened?” She told him, “You said you wanted me to have a new look, here it is! I followed what you asked, and I did it. You never liked my way, so this was your way…I thought you would like it since I did everything you asked” Her husband was silent.
SEE THE RESULTS! IT’S INCREDIBLE! HER HUSBAND WENT SPEECHLESS! I guarantee you that this will make a good impression to your spouse! He will be so surprised, he will never bother you again!
Heroes Aren’t Always Heroic
Alameda County, CA – Weather has gotten crazy with numerous power outages and broken down power lines. The local broadcasters say the brand new hurricane sweeping the area is to blame for the snapped power lines… But we all know the real reason, fat Spider-Man. Spider-Man was a popular hero to kids back in the day but now, he has grown older. Spider-Man considers the safety of his job and has decided to no longer rely on the unstable web that shoots from his hand. Instead, he has resorted to crawling across power lines like a sloth in order to get around.
Another unfortunate cause of Spider-Man’s age is that he has grown a fondness for sweets after resorting to stress-eating after his love, Mary Jane Watson, left him for Sandman. Due to his sweet tooth, he has gained some pounds causing him to fill out his suit and break some of the trusty power lines. This has become a real problem for the city costing thousands of dollars in taxpayer money.
One of our intelligent reporters interviewed Jimmy Newton who claimed, “Spider-Man crashed through my window late Friday night. I was like ‘What?’ and he was like ‘woahhh’”. Our reporter was very convinced that Spider-Man is the cause for the chaos around the city. Spider-Man is now wanted for breaking and entering and destruction of public property. If you have any information, you should call 1-800-Spider-Man-Did-WHAAA to reach our hotline. For those helping with the search party, Spider-man goes to Charles’s Bakery every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Local Mexican Hero Destroys De Anza’s Dreams
Alameda- In late December of 2015, the SJND men soccer team faced reigning champion De Anza in a fierce match on the Pilots’ home field. The home team had the ball at kickoff and field advantage. When the referee blew the whistle, the ball was passed to defender Carlos Rodriguez who decided to dribble up the wing while breaking the opponents’ ankles in the process. When he faced the goalkeeper in a one-on-one situation, Carlos bested the keeper with a cheeky chip over the hopeless man. With his first goal, Carlos became extremely hyped and went on to score two classy, long range goals to complete his hat-trick. With ten minutes remaining on the clock, Carlos casually walked to the sideline, picked up a bag of extra hot Hot Cheetos, and proceeded to play while munching away on the unhealthy snack. Though he was eating, he was waddling at blistering pace which resulted in him besting the reigning champion’s defense. After defeating the keeper with his trickiness, Carlos waddled quickly towards the goal line, got on his knees, and headed the ball in with ease. The crowd went wild, De Anza forfeited at the half time whistle, Carlos went down in history, and the crowd shed tears of joy.
Satire and The American Dream 