All Inclusive Fair Housing for Everyone!

Most people know that affordable housing in the Bay Area is now increasingly difficult to come by. With the influx of startup businesses becoming commonplace here, more people are moving in. There’s just one problem: there’s not enough housing that is affordable. I, Gabriel Metcalf, am a well-known advocate for affordable housing here in the Bay, and I would like to help those who are need of affordable housing. Year after year, housing prices have just been going up, showing little signs of turning back. So what does this mean for the average person? It simply means that housing it getting more unaffordable than ever before, and this is a huge problem for those living in the Bay Area.

All of you are probably here to find out how we can solve this growing problem. This is why our association is working hard to bring you what you need most, housing that is available to low-income people and their families. To put things into perspective, housing prices for the entire Bay Area went up 4.5 percent from 2015 to 2016. While it may seem insignificant to those wealthy people living alongside us, it is a huge impact to all of you. This constant rise is attributed to the influx of young and disgustingly wealthy tech workers who are moving here to snatch all the available housing. Some even going through the trouble of buying multiple properties and renting them out at ridiculous and outright unbelievable prices using the pitied service called Airbnb. These employees are just outright greedy and ignorant people, making the housing crisis here in the Bay even worse for all of you. Many people with low income can’t even afford a one bedroom apartment in San Francisco as the monthly rent is an average of $3,590, now who thinks that is sustainable on low income? Even if people do manage to rent from landlords, these people want to make even more money, but rent control prevents them from raising rent prices at ridiculous increments. As some of you many know, landlords have found loopholes to evict their tenants and bring in new ones while making rent even more expensive and unaffordable for the rest. This is clearly an unjust move and is making people furious which adds to the overall problem of everyone not being able to find a home.

I believe that all of you will enjoy a new proposal to solve this big problem. This proposal includes creating a new law that will have people who make more than $500,000 a year in the Bay Area be forced to move out of their current homes and give it up for those who want affordable housing. This will allow for wealthy people to get a taste of what it feels like to be evicted. For those interested in moving into these houses, a certain amount of people will be allowed to live in the houses and it is on a first come, first serve basis which is based on the size of the house. In order to enforce this, a new form of law enforcement will be created solely dedicated to having these wealthy people be evicted from their luxurious homes. If these people don’t comply, they will be forced to pay a hefty fine of $50,000 every time they refuse to be evicted. After three offenses, the enforcement team will forcibly evict and arrest them. The home will now be free for those people to move in.

This may seem like a dream come true for most, if not all of you here. There is, however, one condition that must be met in order to be eligible to move in. New tenants must agree to maintain their new homes on a daily basis, with a minimum time of five hours per day dedicated to keeping the home in tip top shape. I hope you all think that this is a fair tradeoff for getting fair and affordable housing.

The Final Solution:An End to Police Brutality

It is with brief sorrow that I mention the recent death of my dear acquaintance, Robert Washington. Robert – an African American man like myself- was driving to the grocery store, when he was suddenly pulled over by the police for speeding. When asked for his license and registration, Robert reached for his pocket and was immediately killed by Officer Jack Reynolds. Officer Reynolds faced charges for shooting Robert, and was laid off from the CMPD. Officer Reynolds is a compassionate and kind man, with a loving wife and 3 beautiful children. The consequences he faced were completely unreasonable and unfair, considering he has a family to support and a reputation in the police force.

The recent issue of white police brutality against innocent unarmed black people has been one filled with controversy in America. While I marginally grieve for my dear friend Robert, he and other black victims of police brutality must take the blame for their own ignorance of the situation. Robert, as a black man, should have known that he was a target for police, and yet he made it look like he was reaching for a weapon. Officer Reynolds had every right to shoot him out of self defense. To this, I have made a proposition.

My fellow African-Americans: we must learn to take responsibility of our own actions and not get ourselves into anymore trouble. It is our own faults for being born with this dark skin color. We are at fault for being vulnerable to the targeting of the black community. We have always been at fault throughout the history of America, and we must take the blame. We mustn’t blame the hard working police officers who train for years to achieve such great success. There are only two solutions that may alleviate the issue of black deaths in the community and the wrong sentencing of police officers.

The first is for all of us to stay home. We must lock ourselves, our children, our friends, and our relatives inside our houses. We must never come in contact with the rest of society, especially the white folk. It doesn’t matter if we are innocent, we’re going to get into trouble anyway because we’re black. We must know by now that all black folk are lazy  criminals and delinquents who steal, rape, murder, and participate in gang activity. It truly is our fault. We are no longer fit to associate with American society and we must resort back to our segregated ways.

The most efficient solution involves complete compliance by every African American in this society. We must bleach our dark skin and take lessons on how to become Caucasian. We can receive government funding for medical bleaching and for Caucasian education. We must rid ourselves of our blackened skin, which symbolizes the darkness and the evil that sprouts from the African-American culture. The Catholic Diocese of Charlotte has agreed to begin Bleaching Baptisms for newly born African American children. If this is approved by the government, my wife and I, who are expecting our first child, will immediately bring him to church to be bleached. The only reason why we are targeted is because we are dark, so we must expose ourselves to the light that is the Caucasian culture. We must abandoned our disgraceful culture of violent rap music, exposing clothing, and improper english. We must stop looking up to these false idols such as Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X, in which we shouldn’t be chanting “Black Lives Matter” or fighting for our rights, because All Lives Matter and we are the only ones at fault.

Before Procedure                             After Procedure

                                                           

Nowadays, every African American yells “f**k the police!” and other hateful things, while cops are the good guys. White police officers shouldn’t be convicted when they kill innocent black people, because are we really ever actually innocent? The enforcement of body cams by sheriffs on officers shows the lack of distrust within the police department, and police officers should always be trusted.

Revising Education

To my fellow Americans, we the United States Government have called you upon to address the problem that has been faced with us for generations, our public school education.  Years and years have passed, and yet nothing has been done to help support our youth in need of better lives.  The way our school education is organized as of now is out of place and doesn’t do its job.  The states of our nation have complete control over how our future citizens learn and have made poor decisions based on the requirements needed to complete school.  From the common core standards set as of now, “46 states may have adopted the standards but around a dozen states are backing out or considering backing out of using them.”  The states are all on different places which leads to disorder in our nation.  These children who come from public schools haven’t learned the knowledge they need to excel in college and this harms our nation as a whole.  According to the National Center for Education Statistics, “Research says that roughly 19 percent of public school students are not able to finish high school and more than 70 percent are not qualified to enroll for a college degree.”  These statistics show the reality of the situation that we are in.

While our states have done our best with trying to regulate our public school education, their decisions have brought us to this point.  The way our schools are structured are to blame for this which creates tension for parents in the United States.  Many of our parents today have thought that, “Usually there is a perceived or statistically supported issue with a public school’s academic record that flags a parent’s concern and willingness to move their child into a private school.”  We have to create some sort of change that will recreate the organization of public schools and its curriculum for each state to set an example that they will have to follow.  

What can we do in this time of despair and hopelessness?  Well, a solution has come enlighten everyone across our nation.  In the near future, a law will be passed that will allow the U.S. government instead of the states to have control over our children’s education.  When this law passes, we have come up with a system that will help better organize our public school education once and for all!  This well thought-out plan starts with separating our children into different factions.  Each faction is created to operate a specific field of study.  When placed in this specific field of study, our children will only learn what is needed to operate that specific job since they won’t need to learn anything else.  This will help create a set of laws and curriculum that will be the same for every state, so that everything can be well-structured.  

When everything is regulated, we plan to set rules that will continue to better our lives and humanity.  Our first rule is that our students won’t be able to choose what field of study they want to be in.  Our government will order where each child will go to when they reach the age needed.  Second, we do not advise for anyone to attempt to connect with other factions or talk to anyone other than your own faction, for that will harm a child’s study, and we don’t want anything to lower our children’s chances to succeed in life.  These rules are the only set of laws that are confirmed as of now, but failure to effectively comply with any of these laws will be killed immediately.

With everything that has been planned for the future, public schools will be changed forever.  Public school education will be changed for the benefit of us all.  There will be no more people who will have to suffer because of the education that our schools give, because of the more ordered and regulated syllabus that will be placed among all of the United States.  

Is it getting warmer around here or is it just me?

Today a walk into the break room caused me to step into a battle zone/over the top science lesson over global warming, which some of my geeky coworkers believe in. Global warming- seriously? They claim that science is on their side but please, the greenhouse effect is a natural process that has been occurring for millions of years, but people are just now starting to care about it now! Sure glaciers are melting at a higher speed in the Arctic, tropical storms are becoming more intense, and large magnitude earthquakes are becoming more frequent, but there are at least a million other reasons for this! The way climate change and global warming are being spoken about, you would think that an event like the one that killed the dinosaurs is underway. But of course this isn’t true!

After all, we (humans) are much smarter than dinosaurs and we always make the best environmental choices. Plus, we have far better technology and resources that can help prevent the warming of the planet, anyone want any fossil fuels to burn? The truth is, if global warming and climate change were actually happening, wouldn’t there be a higher percentage of people who believed in it? And wouldn’t there be a number of laws and measures passed by the government to save the environment? But these events aren’t happening…. However just because something isn’t totally believed in, doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. I now rest my case that global warming is nothing than a myth used to scare children (and liberals) into caring for their environment.

Life Of A Little Rebel

 

Why should I pick up my toys? I am two years old and can do whatever the heck I want to do. I am my own person. I make the rules, I’m in charge. Here is my opportunity. I am gonna use my voice and say what I want. I see her approaching ready to say, “You get down here now and pick up your toys or no TV”. Ready. Here I go! NO. NO. NO.

I can pick up my toys on my own time, and honestly that will never happen. All I like to do is watch Frozen and The Lion King on Youtube. Why should I have to take time out of watching TV to do what my parents tell me to do. The feeling of being able to have my toys ready at my feet is liberating. If I wanted to I could jump off the coach into a pile of legos. Who wouldn’t want to experience that? Drinking apple juice while sitting back on the couch eating goldfish is the life. I have become a master at manipulating my parents. All I have to do is cry and whine and next thing you know, I have a pacifier in my mouth and the TV turned to Aladdin. Every kid should be able to experience the luxury I have. At the end of the day TV is my closest friend and I never want that to change. I will only move from the coach to sleep or get my needed food supplies. You will never catch me outside.

The TSA Needs Major Cuts

Traveling through airports is a pain in the neck. The endless line for security, making everyone late for their flights. Taxpayers paying $7.6 Billion annually for these workers to do what? Sit on their asses all day and stare at a monitor? Harassing you while you are violated as you stand in a giant machine scanning your entire body? Sure enough, just about anyone can do their job, it sounds easy enough. Millions and millions of dollars went into new scanning machines that are so precise that it thinks you have something illegal on your head when there isn’t. People always end up getting pat down one way or another, so why use stupid machines? If million dollar “microwave scanners” can’t do the job, TSA workers minus well pat everyone down, now that will save a lot of money. Studies show that there is a 95% failure rate for the TSA catching bad items being screened. At this point, the TSA should be gotten rid of, if they only catch 5% of the bad and leave the rest for unsuspecting passengers. With this high failure rate, TSA officers would still miss most of the stuff that might be on someone, so they should be cut altogether. With our current President, more government budget cuts are inevitable. Since the TSA isn’t doing their job well, it’s clear who will be put out of work. That $7.6 Billion should be spent on something better than this floppy security.

Catholic Blessings Gotta Go

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Today at school, we had liturgy to celebrate a holiday because we are a Catholic school. It seemed all normal because we are just celebrating the Eucharist and Jesus Christ right? Everything during mass was all fine until it was time to give a blessing. Everyone simultaneously extended their arms and hands outward towards the priest. I was so shook when I saw what happened. Everyone was doing the Nazi salute! The Basilica instantly turned into the Reichstag. LIKE WOAH! Everybody needs to chill out! I thought to myself, “Is this even a Catholic school? What have I gotten myself into?” No one even realized what they were doing. They saluted to the priest subconsciously. All of the students and teachers all acted like mindless zombies. Come on. Does no one actually see what the blessing kinda resembles? I couldn’t fathom the idea of everyone showing praise to the priest as if he is Hitler. But there I am, looking like a fish out of water. After the mass, I asked my friends what happened in the Basilica but all of the responses I get are “What are you even talking about?” Maybe it’s all in my mind but still, all of these blessings gotta go. Or at least change up the position when you give a blessing. God, please tell me that you are seeing this. Send us some sort of sign. Anything. Oh well, don’t want to be late to APUSH since we’re learning about WWII.

Moneyball Without The Money

Every spring, the increasingly diminishing fanbase of the Oakland Athletics anxiously awaits to find out how their team will let them down once again. The mad scientist in charge, Billy Beane, goes into his lab every off-season and tries to create a winning team out of everyone else’s leftovers. By the motley crew that shows up at spring training, you’d think that Beane recruits his team from Little League (although, Little Leaguers probably have more fans than the A’s). As a result, A’s fans are not surprised when their team plays more like the notorious Bad News Bears instead of the major leaguers that they are supposed to be. It looks like half the players have holes in their mitts and everyone is running into each other. Or maybe, the players are just running away from the sewage that flows into their clubhouse because the team owner is too cheap to build a new stadium. At least A’s fans don’t have to wait in line to use the bathroom;there is always plenty of room around the horse troughs. The other good news is that last year, fans got to see many A’s players in the playoffs and World Series. Unfortunately,they were all playing for other ball clubs since Beane always trades his best players as soon as they start to show promise. Are the A’s really a major league team or just a training ground for bonafide teams? Apparently, Billy Beane’s infamous moneyball strategy seems to have gone completely bankrupt and lost its balls.

Even Global-Warming Deniers Love Ford’s Environmentally-Friendly Speedometer

Climate-conscious automaker Ford is curtailing its use of toxic paint by no longer printing numbers lower than 30mph on its speedometers. Eliminating 0-29 saves 0.00014 grams of paint per vehicle, which is roughly 3% of the weight of a gnat’s you-know-what. Multiplied by the 2,613,162 new Ford cars clogging the roads each year, this paint reduction translates into a savings of 3.4 pounds of climate-killing CO2 annually.

By simply erasing the numbers lower than 30 mph, we can wipe out global warming!

Will that save the world?

Well…a car owner might divert more CO2 from the atmosphere by simply refraining from burping while driving. Yet these minimalist speedometers are attracting HUGE support. Since U.S. tailpipes pump 1,545 million metric tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each year, the tiny 3.4 pounds saved from the paint cutback is so insignificant that even the staunchest anti-global warming people willingly rally behind Ford’s trivial move. It creates a win-win situation, where deniers can avoid being attacked for appearing environmentally unenlightened, while everyone gets what they really want: carte blanche to drive over 30mph in those irritating school zones, residential areas, and construction sites.

The freedom from being nagged about pesky speeding laws brings the joy back into the American pastime of driving. Nissan reports that it will soon make a competing move to mix environmentalism with pleasure, when it drastically cuts plastic pollution by eliminating turn signals. The DMV reports that only backseat drivers remember that turn signals should even be used, so this is another practical decision.

Man get’s knocked the F***** out outside apparel store

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LOS ANGELES – Once a place for all the hip teens and edgy high school students; Supreme is now a hoard of hypebeast who dress like your Asian neighbors. Equipped with tents, chairs, and sleeping bags, these teens are ready for the next drop at Supreme. We spoke to one participant (David So) and he said: “I’ve been waiting here for 2 weeks boi its lit…” David So and the rest of his occupants are not phased by the long lines, but worried if he will get the latest, child labor T-Shirts. It was normal until the time of release. Eyewitness reports state that a Fu**boi decided to cut the line and got into an altercation with other participants. We spoke to Bart Kwan, a guard for Supreme and he said: “Once I saw him throw the first punch, I knew that he did f***** up lmao.” After one punch, the line cutter hit the ground full force and broke two of his teeth, this altercation leads to police interaction. This isn’t the first time we saw teens institute a fight for clothes before. 10 months ago a riot broke in the Los Angeles metro over Supreme branded metro tickets, prompting a citywide delay of the metro. After the initial altercation, we spoke to Casey Chan “Yo, it a shame you feel me? But, at least I copped my clothes.” said Casey Chan. This won’t be the first time underage millennials living with welfare kill each other over clothes, nor the last time. It will probably be stupid 100% of the time.