In a preschool in New Jersey, teachers and parents force their students to play outside without any electronics. This tragedy is outrageous and completely baffling to our whole society. All should pity the parents and teachers who encourage such an attitude. There is a right way and a wrong way to parenting and let me tell you this, that is not the correct way. Follow these simple guidelines and I guarantee that your child will be the healthiest, happiest and most socially advanced child there is on the entire planet and galaxy:
Guideline #1: From the second your child is born, you must already have an Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube account with a large following of at least one-thousand.
Guideline #2: 9,999 out of 10,000 children who don’t have a pressured childhood to be perfect are statistically shown to have a higher rate of strokes as they get older. In order to prevent the illness of your child in the future continue following these guidelines.
Guideline #3: As newborns, each baby should be placed onto a strict diet with pills and be taught how to throw up their food to stay skinny. As well they should have appointments with a nutritionist in order to ensure that their body slims and muscle definition is shown.
Guideline #4: By the time your child is at the age to go to preschool, a resume should be developed about the experiences they have had and the things they have had to overcome in order to be the person he is today. An example of a good phrase to say for your toddler on their resume could be, “a strong willed individual with a passion to explore and understand the world’s hidden secrets and our universe’s undiscovered life”.
Guideline #5: On this resume that all parents should form, be sure to include the sports and hobbies that they are successful in. As well, make sure to include all endeavors. Your child should have no problem reaching their dreams due to following these guidelines. In result they should have so many connections and have the most followers on social media that it should be a swift plead in order to get what they wants.
Guideline #6: As your child matures into elementary school, they should never place focus on one sport or hobby, but instead join every club in the school, be on every sports team, and take lessons for at least two instruments. These pressures to be involved in many different organizations will create a foundation of stress that is a necessity for every child to have at this age. Creating that layer of stress will further benefit their success rate as they move onto college and beyond.
Guideline #7: With the smartphone that your child has had since they were able to open their eyes after birth, assure that they are checking their social medias every ten minutes and constantly engaging with followers. On these accounts, assure your child is posting sexual images of themselves or images with them abusing drugs and alcohol. This will result in many prestigious universities across the nation to be intrigued by their bold and courageous personality.
Guideline #8: In middle school especially, there will be temptations for your child to go outside every once and awhile without technology, but you must be firm in your parenting techniques and make sure to never let them go without their phone.
Guideline #9: Before going through puberty, about the age of five, expose your child to the basic knowledge of sexual relations and the pornography industry. If your child gains this understanding, they will have a 200% success rate in the field of pornography by becoming a director or starting their own business. Exposing your children to pornography at this young age is only healthy and proper for the accurate knowledge and comprehension of the human body.
So let me guarantee one thing to you, if you follow these rules, your children will live a long, happy life.
DANIEL JAMES: 
Satire and The American Dream 