Americans! I stand here today in front of you all to address a serious problem in our country, our government, or should I say, the government. The government that we once built as a country has now been stripped away by greedy men that destroyed our home. Ever since Haiti, Zambia, and Yemen, the 3 countries that form the TriFamine Alliance, teamed up and attacked our East Coast shores, they have completely overtaken our government. In successfully assassinating and eradicating our political leaders and soldiers, the TriFamine Alliance conquered the United States of America and made it their own hell hole. They completely changed, how every person standing around me right now views food. Eating was a delightful pleasure. All of us have had that satisfaction of eating extremely tasty nuggets at McDonalds, or those sweet glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
So when our country gets turned into a zoo that forces its citizens to suffocate on plastic tubes and be force fed everyday, 3 times a day, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, food has become a symbol of the devil. The drastic changes that they implemented in our country have been afflicting all of us. Now that they enacted the Slim Cut Act which rounds up all those who fall short to meet the WRL (Weight Regulation Line), our population is strangely dwindling by the day. A minimum of 250lbs is required by the age of 25 by every American citizen to surpass the WRL. Everyone you see around you is at least a yard stick in diameter. Obese has become the new norm. Even with the food they force feed us everyday, little boys and girls with the fullest appetites have to eat more on their own time to meet the WRL by age 25, but what about the ones that don’t meet the WRL?
No one that was rounded up by the Slim Cut Act was to ever be seen again. This is why I am speaking to all of you here today.
I have discovered the disgusting and horrific truth about what the TriFamine Alliance is doing with our country.
My fellow Americans, I unveil the truth; those who do meet the WRL are hunted and slaughtered. I have seen many Haitian police officers searching for those who don’t pass WRL. What I wasn’t supposed to see was a Haitian officer killing a woman in her late 20’s on spot who looked a little too slim to be 250lbs. Children have been murdered because they just weren’t plump enough. Men, women, children, families; we are all being harvested for our new found fat and flesh, leaving me and you in terror, while the TriFamine Alliance is feasting on raw American flesh. Despite their insane actions, some American people somehow believe that we ourselves are the reasons why these savages targeted us, and not another country. They believed that we deserved to suffer because of all the wasted food scraps that we were generating everyday, that could’ve been used to feed millions of the citizens in all the once-hungry developing countries that rule over us now. They had less to eat, than we had more to throw away, and this is their hellish nightmare they casted upon us, as revenge. My American brothers and sisters, I am ready to wake up from this living nightmare! I am NOT going to be stripped of my American identity, I REFUSE to live in this cataclysmal horror scene, and I absolutely DEMAND that we release the freedom that lives within our skin and that we fought so hard to maintain! Now who’s ready to join me and use our fat to fight for America?
A big problem today is the conflict that children have with their phones. Most people would agree that children are not spending enough time on their phones. A beautiful modern device full of so much information at the tip of our fingers. Children only spend time on their phones in parks, dinners, family parties, and social get togethers. That is not enough time to explore the many things that smartphones have to offer. Children who don’t spend their time watching videos, or reading articles on the fluorescent screen before they sleep are wasting their potential of learning. What children also don’t understand is the way of communication these phones offer. Imagine never speaking face to face with the girl you love because it is too scary. Instead you can text her from the comfort of your room! Avoid awkward confrontations and be the man you always wanted to be through a screen. Another scenario is if you are at a party or a get together and you feel left out and awkward with the people around you. No need to fear, your smartphone is here! Pull out your phone, fake a laugh, and it’ll look like you are just as busy and social with someone else. You’ll never be that lonesome person without someone to talk to. So go, and teach children to use their phone more. Explore the world through pictures and videos, laugh at amazing memes, and most importantly, text as many people as you can.
Satire and The American Dream 