Dear Mommy and Daddy,
It’s been a year since you started giving me your phones and tablet to play games on and a year of wonderful fun! Back in B.Ed (before electronic devices) I would cry for the normal things all babies would cry about; gross diaper, hunger, wanting to be held, too hot or cold or just because I felt like it. Well, now times have changed and I primarily cry to play Candy Crush! Gosh do I love that game and other ones as well! You of course don’t connect my crying with a need to play on your phone, but you do notice how well it soothes me just as well as any pacifier would. Actually, your phones ARE my pacifiers!
Anyway, I’m writing to thank you for greatly improving my life! I may not be able to talk but I DO know if I continue to play on electronic devices there is a high chance that I may have learning disabilities, as well as having a harder time developing motor skills, creativity impairment and last but not least: an addiction to staring at a screen. However, if you take away the tablet then I will cry more and you will have to find other methods to keep me occupied and quiet in public and while you are busy. You can of course read books to me or give me stuffed animals/baby toys to play with, but do you really go to all the trouble of actually reading a book to me and having to go to Toys R Us to buy me new toys. I know you love me, but do you really want to go through all of that?
So I propose a pretty simple solution to you; just continue to allow me to play on the those darn electronic devices! After all we are in the twenty-first century and since adults and big kids are all tech users, why can’t babies also use technology? After all, it was going to come to this eventually and you might as well join the bandwagon. To deprive us of it would almost be taking away a basic right to have fun. And you don’t want my anger; I guarantee that it will not be pretty if I can’t play to my heart’s content. Wait just a minute, I just thought of an even better idea! I saw this super convincing commercial last night on T.V., (while both of you had left the room to check on the bread that one of you burned). It showcased this very expensive, very effective surgery that will implant a screen into my hand! I will have a screen on me at all times! What’s more you say, well it uses bluetooth technology by implanting bluetooth receptors into my ears, which means it will be like those new wireless earbuds, only without the earbud part. This means that I can play noisy games all I want, without disturbing you! Sure my hearing may be damaged, but think of all the money you will save from buying me other toys and the time it takes to bring the tablet to me.
All in all, the message you can take from this is pretty simple: I am becoming addicted to electronic devices and screens (just like almost every person in America), so I need them almost 24/7. And with this new surgically implanted screen I will take care of that completely! It is a bit pricy, but come on, my happiness is priceless! And you will never have to hire a babysitter because I will be too busy playing on my screen to get into trouble! Ultimately this is the best choice for my overall life and development and who should know better than me?
Love, from your precious little girl,
Aimee
Satire and The American Dream 