Reliable News! Exatly how you want it to be.


Just yesterday, a man was murdered while walking through a park in Charleston, Southern Carolina. These are the only details that we share with other news outlets. Why exactly is this? It is because our rival stations report the wrong information. Fortunately, you, the people, have access to completely accurate information regarding every news story when you tune in to our reports. Why are we the most reliable news source? You may ask why we are more credible than the other news outlets that we criticize. Our news is the most credible because it always aligns with your opinions and thoughts. We truly care for the wellbeing of our audience and we reflect this by reporting the information that follows your preferences.

Now that we have erased any confusion on discrepancies between stories, we can continue with the main section of this article. Just yesterday, a twenty six year old man named Kenny had been shot and left to die in a park. Our rival news stations report a wide variety of possible suspects in this crime. Some have said that the crime had been committed by terrorists. Others have said it was by Kenny’s friends. One outlet even said it was perpetrated by an elderly woman…not sure who could have thought about that. Our news outlet has compiled the true facts though. After interviewing key witnesses that were not bribed or paid at all, we learned that the man who killed Kenny was in fact a Mexican. This means that Kenny had been killed by a gang member. We have come to that conclusion since if people of a certain race commit a crime, than their motivation can only come from one source. This data originates from a study completed by theorists from Pulaski, Tennessee, a town known mostly for its reliable research. We make sure to include their studies and theories whenever we can.

Rival news stations have stated that the man who shot Kenny was working alone but that just isn’t possible. Obviously this was a result of gang violence. In order to be an inherent enemy of a gang, someone would have to be a member of a rival gang. Kenny was a black man and black people can only commit gang related violence. Therefore, this crime was the result of a gang war. We have not been able to identify possible accomplices or members of either gang but they are still out there.

Our enemy news station, DMM, who supplies only fake news, states that Kenny had not been part of a gang at all but was actually in the process of being robbed before being shot. They even went as far as publishing a video of the altercation, which showed Kenny walking down the street before being attacked by the robber. Kenny was shown to be defenseless with only his fists as weapons. A brief struggle occurred before Kenny was shot. This video was obviously edited or produced in a studio to be delivered to the braindead liberals that listen to DMM. During the real event, Kenny would have had a gun too.

We have come back with even more important news. The shooter was re-identified. He is not Mexican but actually of Arab origin. This means that the shooter was not part of a gang but was actually a terrorist. This has been the third Muslim terrorist attack on American soil this year and it is time that we put a stop to it. Since all Muslim crimes are inherently terrorist attacks, the only way to stop terrorist attacks is by banning Muslims from entering the country. Some people contradict this idea, even going as far as saying the shooter was not even Muslim. Since he was Arab, he has to be Muslim though. The special snowflake liberals do not seem to know their facts right. Stay tuned on Coyote News™ after this infomercial to acquire more evidence that fit your prejudices. 

Reliable News! Exatly how you want it to be.

One thought on “Reliable News! Exatly how you want it to be.

  1. anniet008 says:

    This satire had a hyperbolic and sarcastic tone that criticized how the news and media brainwashes people to stereotype certain races in a serious yet funny way effectively.

    I loved the how you included data of of how often a certain race commits a certain crime. That was great!

    I thought you could have improved on making the solution more ridiculous since I think what you wrote about what is already kind of happening now.


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