Love the Drug

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Governor Brown,

My name is Molly Goode. I am 15 years old, and I attend Mary Jane High School in San Francisco. I am writing you today because there is an issue that I would like to propose a solution to: the issue of teenage drug use. The problem is that not enough teens have access to drugs, and I think this should change immediately. Some drugs can calm people’s nerves and make it easier for them to get through the problems they face in their lives. Teenagers like me have to deal with pressures of school, relationship drama, trying to figure out our futures, and many other difficult things that can cause a person to lose their mind. Because of this, drugs can help us relax and cope with the struggles we have to face every single day.

For example, my parents are currently going through a divorce, and I’m getting caught in the middle. This situation is making everything, especially focusing on school, harder than usual. Using drugs would help me calm down and take my mind off of what’s going on in order to be able to pay attention to my schoolwork so I can keep my grades up during this hard time. One of the reasons I can’t do this is because it’s illegal for me to use drugs, but I don’t think this should be the case. I propose that drugs be legalized for people 13 years old and up, on the condition that minors will only use it to escape and avoid their problems. This will make life easier for teens who have a lot going on in their lives and need something to help calm their nerves so they can get back on track. For a lot of us, it’s hard to stay focused when everything around us seems so much more important than what we actually need to do. I believe drug use is the way for us to stay on the right track for our futures.

An example of the calming effect drugs have is shown in my 21 year old sister, Sherry. She recently informed me that alcohol is a drug, which I was unaware of. Sherry told me that whenever she goes through a difficult trial or setback in her life, such as a terrible breakup or a failing grade in college, she simply goes out and gets drunk. It helps her to forget about everything going wrong in her life, everything she has managed to screw up yet again, and it enables her to feel happy again, even if it is just for a few hours. Because of alcohol, my sister’s life is not nearly as miserable as it would be if she wasn’t drunk all the time. This is another reason I want drugs, including alcohol, to be legally available to teenagers.

If drugs are legalized, there should be a punishment for those who genuinely abuse drugs. This punishment should be a year long probation from anything worthwhile: school, jobs, basically anything that can cause them to lose sight of what is truly important, that is, properly using drugs and getting over addictions so that they can get back on the right track. Furthermore, if drug abuse does develop, a requirement should be that the abuser must start using a different drug in order to stop depending on the other drug. Once an addiction is broken, the abuser may go back to using the original drug they were addicted to, but it must be in moderation, and it must only be as a coping method to genuine life problems.

As you may know, there are many people who feel the same way I do. I have enclosed a petition in this envelope, signed by over 3,000 California teenagers, who also wish for drugs to be legalized for minors ages 13 and up. I hope you will take the time to consider this possibility, and make it a reality for all of us.

Sincerely yours,

Molly Goode

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Love the Drug

I Sent Myself To A Gay Conversion Camp

Hello reader, I know you don’t know me but I feel like I have something important to share, and since you can’t stop me I’m just going to keep talking. So a little background, I’m from a small suburb in Alabama, and I’m 14 years old. My name is Carl blahblahblah (my parents told me never to put my last name on the internet). I consider myself to be pretty popular at my catholic school, so you can imagine my surprise when I found myself with the disease.

I thought it only happened to those quiet weirdos who sit in the back of class. When my best friend asked me if I had contracted this disease, if I were a gay, I punched him. It was then that I knew this sickness was dangerous and something had to be done. I couldn’t let the hatred consume me, I had to stop it from the source. If I had learned one thing from my church group, it’s that the disease must be cured otherwise it is only made worse. I don’t know how I could be so stupid to have caught it. That disgusting homosexual mindset. I decided I am stronger than that and I will have control of my life. I did what any rational person should do, I decided to send myself to a gay conversion camp.

I was worried about how my parents would react to my decision.When I asked if I could go to the conversion camp, they said yes as long as I kept up on school work. They told me how proud they were of me to be acting so mature about my condition, and they gave me another gold star to put on my wall (I put them in the shape of a crucifix!). They helped me find a cute little camp near in Alabama (their exact location is meant to be secret unless you’re enrolled so sorry). It was there that I was able to regain my true self. I know that there are many kids that are going through the same hatred I went through before my conversion therapy, so I wrote this letter to show them that going to a conversion camp will be the best decision of their life.

At the conversion camp, I learned that the process is actually called “sexual re-orientation”. I LOVE that phrase; it just sounds so adult!

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On day one, the leaders of the camp put us in dark, cold closets and left us their for a few hours. This was to show us how horrible life in the closet can be, therefore it is so important to choose to remain straight in order to never be in the closet. I found that activity to be quite moving. At some point (I lost track of the days with all the fun I was having), they had us go in a dark room and made us watch videos. These weren’t just any videos; they said these videos were to educate us on the heterosexual experience. The videos showed everything I ever I could ever wish for. It showed conformity at its finest, and I know for a fact that conformity equals safety. We weren’t allowed to look away which confused me, because why would anyone want to look away? The only thing better than watching it is living it, and I now get to do that thanks to this whole process.

Again, I’ve found this whole thing to be incredibly rewarding. I hope whoever is reading this can help these kids. These conversion camps are something like a dying art form, but they really help. That’s all I have to say but remember, it’s never too late to choose straight.

Thank you and God bless,

Carl Blahblahblah

I Sent Myself To A Gay Conversion Camp

America’s Future

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People of the Unites States,

I have come to realize that there is a big problem that is hampering the image of America, which we have worked so tirelessly to build up. We have spent countless time and money to try and fix this problem, but we can no longer continue to cover this problem. This inferior problem has continued to grow and it is now time to take action and finally make America what it is suppose to be. We must end the problem of this social inequality that has left us with the burden to carry. The lower, working, and middle class are continuing to hurt us as a nation, and we no longer will continue to help them, for I have found the perfect solution to end this horrendous problem and thus better our nation.

The solution, Project Restoration, I have created will finally liberate the top four percent to do as they please, and they no longer have to carry the burden of the poor, working, and middle class. These people just hinder us from prospering as a nation, and as a result have fallen behind the global ladder. To analyze the solution, we must separate it into three phases with each having a specific outcome for each phase. Hopefully by accepting and conducting my solution we can bring America back the dignity it had lost.

The first phase of the solution is to target the worst of the worst in our society, the lower class. These inferior people, if they should be called that, have caused the most disgrace to our beautiful nation. We’ve tried to help these creatures for far too long, and there is no other solution for them but extermination. Let me be clear, we have not given up on them, it is just that they have not taken advantage of the opportunity we have given them. They continue to grow as now almost 10% of our nation is filled of them. This will be the easiest phase of the three, for extermination will be the easiest method of restoration. These inferior people are useless to us and are worth nothing on the market, thus extermination was the only option. Extermination would be conducted quickly and humanely and their bodies will be used in the agriculture business as fertilizer, thus saving us tons of money in foreign fertilizer.

The second phase of the project is the most time consuming as it will involve both the working and middle class of the United States which accounts to almost 90% of this nations society. Since these people are still somewhat useful in society we may be able to keep those who still have a chance of becoming something relevant. To determine this we will proctor an IQ Exam and a physical evaluation test, with the top three percent in each category being able to keep their chance of living in this beautiful nation. Those who test in the top 50% will be sold on the world market at a flat rate of $200,000, this way they can leave the nation knowing they helped to bring prosperity to their motherland. Those left will be seen as inferior, but not completely useless, as these these ‘inferiors’ will be used as labor workers for the third phase.

The third and final phase of Project Restoration would be the reconstruction of America to appeal to our new more prosperous society. With our society, now more refined, we must take on the modernization of infrastructure and our lifestyle in general. The labor of the work will be done by those who tested the worst in phase two, and will be managed by those who tested high in phase two. This way the inferior can be put to work for no wage and the managers can be tested to see how useful they can be in society.

I hope that the people of America understand that Project Restoration is for the best of American society and that hopefully we can make America great again.

Your Future Leader Wilbur Ross

America’s Future

Take Out The Weak

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Introducing a new law to the United States of America, Cyber Bullying the Weak. This new law is focused to young teenagers to adults with social media accounts. The law enforces people from the age of 10 to the age of 20 to have a social media accounts. During the years of having social media accounts, people will be forced to cyber bully other users online. The government has a new small section located in the Communications area of the government. There people will be able to look over and supervise all social media accounts used on each application. Consequences will come to people who fail to follow the guidelines. Each level of cyberbullying will come with its own set of punishments ranging from a small punishment to extinction.

The first degree offense will be the destruction of one’s home and the loss of one’s feet. This consequence will come into effect when the user online is doing very little or not cyberbullying at all. They will be doing the minimalist use of the program and not being very effective, where they should be extremely forced and harsh with other users.. One’s  house will be gassed and taken by our special program to a closed room where the procedure of removing one’s feet and the destruction of home will take place. We will remove everyone from one’s house before the destruction but you will be stuck on the streets with nothing left to suffer.

Second degree of offense will be the the elimination of one’s family members as well as losing one eye. So you will still have one eye to cyberbully with. If you fail to comply with our terms, you will be eliminated from the gene pool. So none of your weak DNA will find its way back into the strong gene pool.  If you do not know what that means, you will be killed. With this being legal, no one can help you and your family. If you try to run or hide, the punishment will be even worse. You will be put through a slow torture. One will be chosen to be buried in the sand up to your head near the water at low tide and wait for the tide to come in where you will drown.

The final degree will be total elimination of one’s entire bloodline. We do not want any weak in our system, we want people who are strong and able to take the pain. It is teaching the young generation to become stronger and lessen the weak from the world. But if you end up being weak and unable to follow the rules of our program, you will be eliminated from the population as soon as possible. We do not what the weak to be in today’s society and we do not want to weak to procreate. But if you decide to run or hide from one’s third degree offense, you will be hunted down and hung upside down from one’s ankles and skinned slowly with a cheese grater until nothing is left.

There will be a chance to earn extra points to each person by the number of people they make commit suicide. As well as receive extra points to how successful the people they bully become in cyberbullying others. Each person that commits suicide because of one’s cyberbullying, one will be permitted to kill one person of one’s choosing. It could be parents, friends, enemies, and even one’s siblings. Who ever you choose will be their one ticket to kill anyone they want to see die.  For each person who becomes a successful bully from one’s training of them, their trainer will be able to pick someone from their life for them to be able to shove bamboo splinters up the beds of their fingernails. These awards are for those who become successful in taking out the weak.

Take Out The Weak

The Poor are Actually Useful, Who Would’ve Thought?

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Dear North Atlantic Post,

It is Day 23 of the Emergency Population Lockdown and I am APPALLED by the regulations or lack thereof by the United States government. They have failed to solve the problem of overpopulation doing as little as possible exacting zero percent change in our dire circumstances. I am surviving on two meals a day for God sake. Why should I sacrifice my good health for those filthy, little families who didn’t have enough sense to stop popping out children like rabbits on a farm? The government is asking ME to compensate for THEIR actions and I am simply bewildered as to why?

Nevertheless, overpopulation is a problem we are all faced with so I shall propose a solution to all our worries as well as punish those who caused this disruption. I propose we inflict a genetic test on every person on this Earth, especially those little runts in China and India, scanning for inferior properties unsuitable to be included in the future human gene pool. What do you mean by inferior properties you ask? All of the qualities that cause problems. Homelessness, poverty, any diagnosis with the word ‘disorder’, crooked teeth, squinty eyes, improper eyesight, and too much hair on body are all genetic abnormalities that need to be expelled from the system in order to bounce back from this crisis. Each person will be screened for these traits and those testing positive will move to a separate room of the center. Here, the dirty peasants will be given shackles with chains leading up to the ceiling and stand over big red squares. It is at this point the attendants will step away from the traitors being sure to keep on their gas masks and hazmat suits on until they are at a safe distance. The red squares will drop suspending the people upside down held up by the chains linked to the ceiling. Doctors will be brought into the room (wearing masks, of course) to make the proper cuts to the arteries to drain out the valuable blood. Resources have grown scarce so the blood, although genetically inferior, is useful to the economy.

These genetic traits are linked to the probability of having more iron and petroleum, components useful in the production of gasoline. The oil refineries and gas stations were the first to go at the start of this lockdown so this would solve three problems: overpopulation, genetic inferiority, and the fuel shortage crisis. People need to commute and travel places to get away from the stress of being in a crisis. This way we can decrease their stress and stimulate the economy at the same time. We can replace the gasoline with human blood to save money and make the reapings more efficient. Although Native Indians were a disgusting people, they did use all parts of the animal making the process more worthwhile. People would have to be careful when filling up the car to make sure they don’t contract AIDS but this is similar to the handling of gasoline so their daily lives would hardly be disturbed.

The only potential problem would be how to convince people to take the genetic test. Personally, I would suggest making a flyer emphasizing the noble aspect of the draft reminding them of the benefits their sacrifice will be to the human race as a whole. They need to know that they are inferior and they need to know that they should die. People would gladly submit to the organization if they knew that they were sinful, filthy, dirty, liars.

Please consider my proposal, preferably you should send it to your connections at the Department of Health as they have been very rude in their absence of communication after my multiple emails. My son, Edward, is slowly dying… for a soda so the crisis at hand has gotten to severe levels. People like this need to take responsibility for their actions and save Edward from his thirst.

Sincerely,

Marsha Edgerly

The Poor are Actually Useful, Who Would’ve Thought?

The Pregnancy Plague

Dear Edward Rutledge High School,

Today, I have been informed about the great plague that has fallen over our prestigious school. Valerie Fairman, a 16 year old Sophomore, has contracted the pregnancy plague and spread it to 6 other female students. This disease is highly infectious, and our school is doing everything it can to stop the spread of this deadly disease. In regards to Ms. Fairman, who was the first infected with the disease, I have heard talk about lynchings, and honestly I am appalled. How could you treat this young girl this way? Our school community needs to support Ms. Fairman and our fellow students transition into motherhood and adult hood. Beginning tomorrow after school, we will offer classes to those who want to support our diseased students on their journey to a disease-free life. These classes will teach students how to articulate the words “failure” in numerous contexts, and will teach them how to properly spread gossip amongst the school community.

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Pictured above is Valerie Fairman.

Ms. Fairman and her accomplices will undergo treatment (Better known as termination) as requested by the school board. The terminated child’s brain will then be studied and dissected in the Biology Lab, so Biology students can attempt to discover what gene causes a child to become a failure. If one of the diseased somehow avoids the treatment process, they will be publicly killed for all to see to ensure that our school will be cured of the pregnancy plague. Our wood shop students will begin the daunting process of building the gallows to be used for the public execution of the girls that are not cured. We want everyone in our school to help participate in some way.

In regards to your child catching the pregnancy plague, our teachers and staff have come up with the following precautions that all students should take:

  1. Be sure to have your child stay away from Valerie and her friends who she has infected. We don’t want your girls to catch the pregnancy plague.This can include rigging their lockers with bombs and setting their desks on fire.
  2. If they comes near you, scream and wail. If they gets too close, your child has the right to kick them in the stomach or push them to the ground.
  3. Constantly talk about how excited you are are to graduate. Those infected with the pregnancy plague will avoid this at all costs. On Friday afternoon, we will burn the graduation gowns of all who are infected. Everyone is invited.

Tomorrow, I invite you all to come to our school wide assembly. The diseased will be present, and our staff will make the official public announcement about their newly contracted disease. After this, the floor will be open for question and answers. You can ask the girls whatever questions you want! These include, but are not limited to, “Which Hooters are you going to start working at?” “When can we expect to see your unborn child’s fetus in the Bio lab?” “Can I have your textbook, since you won’t be in class anymore?”

Finally, I ask out of the kindness of your hearts, to help us raise funds for John Hamilton and his friends. John, the ex-boyfriend of Valerie, has been hit the hardest by the spread of the pregnancy plague. Because Valerie purposefully tried to drag John into her situation, our school wants to help support him and his fellow classmates who have been dragged into the pregnancy plague in the rest of their lives. This fundraiser, which will consist of hitting Valerie to see who can make her miscarry first, will benefit John and hopefully pay for the remainder of his high school and his college Tuition. I kindly ask that you consider helping out the less fortunate at our school, and this community service will look great on college transcripts. For these reasons, I genuinely ask you to help cure our school of this plague.

Sincerely,

Principal Ramish

The Pregnancy Plague

Filthy Rich, Not Filthy

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“I can’t leave my mansion anymore without my Filthy Rich Glasses” – Richard Miller


Homelessness in America is so prevalent specifically the Bay Area, where it is getting out of hand. Homelessness is on the rise again and nobody’s doing anything to fix this problem . The amount of families that can’t make ends meet rose to 30%, and now there are just homeless families on every street you go on. Don’t you just hate when you’re trying to walk on Market Street to go shop for designer brand clothes, but then you end up seeing a line of homeless people from the Tenderloin begging for money. We all know how fed up you are with all of these dirty vermins that are plaguing our city with their terrible and disgusting outlook. Well, I am glad to introduce to you a brand new technology called the Filthy Rich Glasses which will allow you to capture the feeling of having the American Dream.

Why deal with homeless when you could just ignore it completely with the Filthy Rich Glasses. Once you put on the glasses, your daily life will improve significantly. These glasses are created to block out all of the homeless, and they will no longer be a part of your life. Remember that old lazy man that was on the corner of your street. He is now gone thanks to the Filthy Rich Glasses. Not only will it help you get rid of the homeless from your sight, but you will also look so cool at the same time. All of your rich friends will be so jealous that they will have to jump on this life changing invention.

So how do they work? Well, the Filthy Rich Glasses are actually very easy to use. All you have to do is put them on and turn it on. Then, the glasses does the rest of the work. It filters out all of the homeless people while keeping the city looking clean. The glasses filters the filthy by detecting their nauseating odor. Then the glasses turns the odor into something aromatic. Although the homeless are still there in the streets, you will not even notice them. If the homeless are in your path, you will just trample over them and think that it was nothing because the Filthy Rich Glasses will make it appear like you are walking up a small hill. This will also encourage the homeless to stop being lazy and get off of the streets so they don’t get trampled.

My company is known for our great customer service. If your glasses are not functioning well and are having problems such as you are seeing a homeless person, we will replace your glasses free of charge. Also, on top of that, we will personally kill that certain person that you saw, so you no longer have to deal with that person in reality or in the vision with the glasses. This way we accommodate your needs while eliminating homelessness in the Bay Area. The future of the Bay Area lay in the hands of the rich and not the poor. This is why we care so much about your experience with the Filthy Rich Glasses.

You can solve all of your problems by paying small amount of $4000 per month. $4000 is not a lot of money. You probably pay that much on a daily basis. If every rich person paid that much money, we could possible end homelessness forever in the Bay Area. This revolutionary invention will change how we view the poor. With the Filthy Rich Glasses, homelessness will no longer be a word in our vocabulary. Being homeless is a thing of the past so get with the trend and end this disgusting way of life by buying the Filthy Rich Glasses.

Just remember, one pair of Filthy Rich Glasses is another step to ending the problem of homelessness in the Bay Area.

Filthy Rich, Not Filthy