Okay but what is Immigration really? Some Americans get so aggravated and insulted when people approve and defend the rights of immigrants in the United States. But here’s some devastating news if you haven’t known already. The WHOLE United States was built off Immigration. Crazy right? If it weren’t for the Europeans coming over, taking over Native American land along with the Hispanic land, colonizing it and abusing their power to become one of the most powerful nations in the world… they still would have taken over some other land; but of course we’d probably all speak a different language along with having a COMPLETELY different lifestyle. So what’s the harm with having people from other countries live in the UNITED States. I mean we are the land of strength and opportunity, why single out those who want it? Is it because obviously taking what’s not your is not acceptable? Not at all. This is America we’re perfect! So it’s true, immigrants try to take everything away from the Americans in the United States? Of course! I mean, if Lations, didn’t do the work Americans hate to do it makes sense blaming them for our decrease in jobs within the American people. Of course being born IN America with immigrants parents isn’t enough to consider yourself American. This immigration thing is crazy! “They are PEOPLE just like you and me trying to grab opportunity and strength in the so called Land of the Free.” Get that out of here!
#horatian
wo-MEN’S SOCCER
Dear Professional Men’s Soccer,
On behalf of women’s soccer players, I would like to thank you. Thank you for showing the world what soccer is about, that it’s about flopping, entertainment, manhood, and sportsmanship. Thank you for your over exaggerated falls making this beautiful sport so theatrical. Thank you for making it so entertaining to see you roll of the ground crying, really emphasizing on your manhood. Thank you coaches for teaching your player to play dirty showing the true beautiful form of entertainment that is involved with the sport of soccer. Thank you for showing your range of absurd fouls on live TV from tripping to bitting each others ears. Thank you for showing your amazing sportsmanship by yelling at the officials because we know that you are always right. Thank you for showing FIFA that men are extremely more deserving of the 5 times more pay that men earn over women. Thank you for influencing young soccer players to looking forward to be watched on national TV, that one day rolling around on the field, just like you. Thank you for representing all of professional soccer because everyone knows that men and women play the same. Thank you for all that you do, you truly are making a difference, by using a good portion of your money for plastic surgery, keep doing what you’re doing. Finally thank you for outshining women’s soccer because we know that only men play real soccer. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Women Soccer Players
It’s The Thought That Counts
A recent act that will shock absolutely nobody, Donald Trump has passed a ban on immigration from several different countries to the United States. Despite the anger that this has created across the nation, Trump himself believes that he deserves an “A+ for effort”, and why shouldn’t he? The effect of his actions are not the most important things; what truly matters is that Trump has put forth the effort he believes is needed, proving yet again that it’s the thought, not the outcome, that counts. In addition to Trump’s self-awarded A+, the president has given himself an A for achievement because he has accomplished many great things, including the spark of nationwide protests and the bankruptcy of multiple self-started businesses.Trump has also said that he has “many good reasons to be president” and that he “wants to ban many more things by the end of [his] term”, which he proved just a few days ago with his ban on transgender people’s rights to use the bathroom that matches their gender. Americans are happy with this because transgender people are perverts and only want to use a different bathroom to peep on the people using it. Before citizens jump off the handle and try to have Trump impeached or something insane like that, it’s important to remember that this man has no previous political experience, and the fact that he was even elected in the first place is incredibly impressive! All in all, Trump’s presidency is eliminating unnecessary human rights, and American citizens are grateful!
Catholic Blessings Gotta Go
Today at school, we had liturgy to celebrate a holiday because we are a Catholic school. It seemed all normal because we are just celebrating the Eucharist and Jesus Christ right? Everything during mass was all fine until it was time to give a blessing. Everyone simultaneously extended their arms and hands outward towards the priest. I was so shook when I saw what happened. Everyone was doing the Nazi salute! The Basilica instantly turned into the Reichstag. LIKE WOAH! Everybody needs to chill out! I thought to myself, “Is this even a Catholic school? What have I gotten myself into?” No one even realized what they were doing. They saluted to the priest subconsciously. All of the students and teachers all acted like mindless zombies. Come on. Does no one actually see what the blessing kinda resembles? I couldn’t fathom the idea of everyone showing praise to the priest as if he is Hitler. But there I am, looking like a fish out of water. After the mass, I asked my friends what happened in the Basilica but all of the responses I get are “What are you even talking about?” Maybe it’s all in my mind but still, all of these blessings gotta go. Or at least change up the position when you give a blessing. God, please tell me that you are seeing this. Send us some sort of sign. Anything. Oh well, don’t want to be late to APUSH since we’re learning about WWII.
Who Trumps Who?
Government, what a scary subject to talk about! It is all jumbled up with who trumps who. We have the federal, state, county and city government. Then for us teenagers we have home, school and friend government. One could describe government like an onion, with many layers. We can all say that federal is the top dog, the big kahuna, followed by the state, county, then city government. Ugh!! I can barely keep up with it and let alone spell them all. Then we get into the confusing part of teenager government. Who trumps who? Does mom trump dad? Does school overrule friends? Sports over homework? Well, that won’t get me into college! Who controls my curfew? Is it the feds, is it my parents, or is it my friends? School government dictates that you have to go to school from 8am-2:40pm. Does that mean I can appeal to the state to exempt me from starting school until 10am? That sounds pretty nice to me if I say so myself. Technically speaking, we can all Tweet “The Donald” and ask him to overrule curfew, eating dessert before dinner, appealing not to do chores at home, as well as being able to have as many puppies as we want. While by common knowledge federal law overrides state law, but for teenagers who knows who rules the roost. I mean, my Dad says he is the “king of the house” but my mother disagrees. I’m not sure either, it all depends on the day of the week.
Even Global-Warming Deniers Love Ford’s Environmentally-Friendly Speedometer
Climate-conscious automaker Ford is curtailing its use of toxic paint by no longer printing numbers lower than 30mph on its speedometers. Eliminating 0-29 saves 0.00014 grams of paint per vehicle, which is roughly 3% of the weight of a gnat’s you-know-what. Multiplied by the 2,613,162 new Ford cars clogging the roads each year, this paint reduction translates into a savings of 3.4 pounds of climate-killing CO2 annually.
Will that save the world?
Well…a car owner might divert more CO2 from the atmosphere by simply refraining from burping while driving. Yet these minimalist speedometers are attracting HUGE support. Since U.S. tailpipes pump 1,545 million metric tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each year, the tiny 3.4 pounds saved from the paint cutback is so insignificant that even the staunchest anti-global warming people willingly rally behind Ford’s trivial move. It creates a win-win situation, where deniers can avoid being attacked for appearing environmentally unenlightened, while everyone gets what they really want: carte blanche to drive over 30mph in those irritating school zones, residential areas, and construction sites.
The freedom from being nagged about pesky speeding laws brings the joy back into the American pastime of driving. Nissan reports that it will soon make a competing move to mix environmentalism with pleasure, when it drastically cuts plastic pollution by eliminating turn signals. The DMV reports that only backseat drivers remember that turn signals should even be used, so this is another practical decision.
Man get’s knocked the F***** out outside apparel store
LOS ANGELES – Once a place for all the hip teens and edgy high school students; Supreme is now a hoard of hypebeast who dress like your Asian neighbors. Equipped with tents, chairs, and sleeping bags, these teens are ready for the next drop at Supreme. We spoke to one participant (David So) and he said: “I’ve been waiting here for 2 weeks boi its lit…” David So and the rest of his occupants are not phased by the long lines, but worried if he will get the latest, child labor T-Shirts. It was normal until the time of release. Eyewitness reports state that a Fu**boi decided to cut the line and got into an altercation with other participants. We spoke to Bart Kwan, a guard for Supreme and he said: “Once I saw him throw the first punch, I knew that he did f***** up lmao.” After one punch, the line cutter hit the ground full force and broke two of his teeth, this altercation leads to police interaction. This isn’t the first time we saw teens institute a fight for clothes before. 10 months ago a riot broke in the Los Angeles metro over Supreme branded metro tickets, prompting a citywide delay of the metro. After the initial altercation, we spoke to Casey Chan “Yo, it a shame you feel me? But, at least I copped my clothes.” said Casey Chan. This won’t be the first time underage millennials living with welfare kill each other over clothes, nor the last time. It will probably be stupid 100% of the time.
What To Do When Accused of Cultural Appropriation: A Step by Step Guide!
*Disclaimer: The girl pictured above does not actually appropriate other cultures!*
Do you admire natural black hairstyles? Do you want to wear your stylish, tribal outfit to Coachella this year? Keep reading and learn how to deal with being accused of appropriating other cultures!
Step One: Claim it As Appreciation
Cornrows and dreadlocks are the new trends; everyone should get to experience them! If a black person tells you that you are appropriating their culture, tell them to calm down and get over it! You are appreciating their culture by showing off your new hair do! Even if that hairstyle is apart of their cultural background, you have every right to make it a fashion statement. Even if you don’t care about black social issues, and you’re the type of person to exclaim “All Lives Matter”, go ahead and rock your braids! Might as well listen to rap music and say the N-word too, because it’s okay to say it as long as you’re singing it!
Step Two: Ignore The Accusations
Everyone wants to rock the super cute, boho chic style at summer music festivals. But your outfit just wouldn’t be complete without a colorful Native American headdress. Who cares if it creates a stereotype for Native American culture? If you look cute in it, then wear it with confidence! While you’re at it, root for your favorite football team; the Redskins. It’s just the name of a team! Why are people getting upset about it? Yeah, it defaces Native American culture, makes a negative stereotype, and mocks the skin color of native people. But C’mon now, it’s just football!
“Oh Of Course You Can Touch My Hair; Fourth Annual Curl Exhibit”
OAKLAND, CA— Here in this exotic city filled with numerous creatures, for this time around Curl Exhibit is hosting it’s fourth annual showcase right here in the heart of Oakland. These exhibits are extraordinary showcasing animals extremely soft fur ranging from all different colors, shapes, sizes and textures. These tamed animals are put on pedestals displaying their touchable fur to the public. Each year around we have numerous gatherers pulling out their phones, cameras, and microscopes all to see what they have paid for. The people in the exhibit are extremely friendly and absolutely love when their fur is touched, inspected, and felt. Bob, one of Curl Exhibits most exotic individual says, “Oh of course you can touch my hair!” “I love it so much” smiling happily as his hair is touched and looked upon. Sally Benson says, “I’ve never seen such a thing! I’m so fascinated that I secretly snip a piece of hair to keep with me forever AND EVER.” Each year this Curl Exhibit really teaches that touching people’s hair, is by far not weird, or undesired by the individuals. So if you want to see this 2 day Curl Exhibit go on, come on by on March 25, 2016 at 1257 Market Street to get your fingers truly caught into something great.
Best Way To Maintain A Hot, Healthy Body
HOLLYWOOD, CA – I woke up this morning and wanted to share my daily routine with all the regular people who aren’t pretty enough to be models like me. When I get up in the morning I start by putting on my makeup and then using the extra cotton balls I have for my breakfast. If you drench them in orange juice it makes for a really healthy meal. There are no carbs and you get half of your daily value of Vitamin C. As my day progresses and I’m tired from sitting around all day in one place and taking at least 50 pictures, I go for my lunch break. My lunch consists of snorting cocaine and getting my daily 1000 milligrams of Adderall. This is completely fat free and has little to no side effects. I have only passed out twice this week! After I am done with lunch I get my daily colonic and I go home to have dinner with the girls. We drink champagne and if we are feeling indulgent we may even eat a whole tissue. It’s only 90 calories, but sometimes it is risky because it has a whole 40 milligrams of sodium. I hope this can help you look and feel as great as me.
Satire and The American Dream 