How to Fend Off a Muslim Child


When I was fifteen I came across uh Muslim child that was about tree to five years old. ‘At was the scariest day of my life. If it weren’t for my good friend Billy Bob Joe I would be alive today. He was able to use these here steps that saved my life and could save your life too.  Even if y’all comes across a three year old Muslim boy they might look as cute as a speckled pup in uh red wagon,but they can still be uh dangerous. I’ll teach you how to be able to adapt, solve, protect yourself if you ever interact with a Muslim child.  

The first thing you have to do is to see where you are located. For example if you are in a park, mall, shopping center, building, outside, and inside your chances of survival is much more limited, unlike if you’re in a safe place. What are safe places? Well safe places are bunkers, trailers, and the woods. IF you are in these places than you will have a much higher chance of surviving than the other list I gave out to you. This is probably one of the most important rules because known your chance of survival could mean life or death right there.

The weapons that these children use are also a good way to see if you know what their intention is. If they do have a baby bottle, be very cautious around them because most of the time there is a bomb in it. If you see they are in a stroller also be cautious because there will likely be be a bomb in there too. Strollers are more dangerous because the fragments of the stroller can impale you from great distances. IF there is nothing around them and they are all alone you will be much more safe, but have a awareness because many mistake them to be harmless.  Whatever you do, do not back a Muslim child into a corner because you can seriously get injured or even killed.  

The second part of this guide to protect yourself from a Muslim child is to learn you what is a Muslim child and what is not. They may look innocent and look like any other kid, but don’t fall for it. Now to spot them out from a mile away is by looking for a child that has any kind of hood on, and has darker skin than a true American. Once you have spotted out those kids anywhere, stay a safe distance of 100 feet away, and if by chance you do see a grown Muslim stay clear about 200 feet away. Even though older Muslims are less likely to attack they can be more destructive. Their language is the devil, and they mudder stuff to themselves and to others. If you even think you are hearing something that doesn’t sound familiar automatically think terrorist, or Muslim child.

If you did not do a good job of the first two steps in how to stay away of a Muslim child, and you come into contact with it, be prepared to do what is next. Now there are a couple of ways of doing this, but you have to figure out the best way of getting out alive. First what you can do is by pretending to become its friend so it doesn’t see you as a threat. If that doesn’t work, take action before it can explode. Many mess up this action by calling the police, but don’t!  You have to act or you die. Lastly, you can not be a dumb ass.  Follow the first step, and don’t even get into a bad situation.

Life is very dangerous in America today, and these here steps are a way to keep your family safe. Nowadays, these Muslim children come into our country just to terrorize us.  These steps helped save my life and I want to save yours too.

How to Fend Off a Muslim Child

3 thoughts on “How to Fend Off a Muslim Child

  1. michaelthegoat says:

    Wow Ian, I thought your satire was quite good. Your graph also displayed good evidence to support your argument. I thought your satire was very influential for your perspective. I would say make it more dark, especially for someone from a different perspective, they might find this humorous.


  2. alexloveschocolatecake says:

    I think this is a very interesting concept. I feel like a guide for surviving something would be more for something like zombies or what not, but instead you used Muslim children to make them seem like they are terrible members of society that we should all avoid. Very good job!


  3. jordananana says:

    Your satire was very effective—I’m sure that if an islamophobic person read it, they would realize how ridiculous their fears are. I love how you go to the extremes by warning people that when a baby mutters they could be a terrorist. The only thing is make sure to continue the southern accent throughout the entire piece. Great job! 🙂


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