Mike Pence Strives to End World Hunger With a Little Self Control

“Hunger is just a compulsion. It can be changed.” 

World hunger has been a quite prominent issue for some time now. Ever walk down your city block and see children, parents, and teens starving on the street? Begging for anything they can put in their stomachs to ease the pain? Thank God we have a solution. Finally. Mike Pence has been VP for a little over a month now, and he’s already making waves of humanitarian change. Pence is a man who is full of great solutions to American issues. When he was asked about his view’s on LGBTQ rights, he said “I believe homosexuality is a compulsion that can be contained, repressed or changed”.  Wow. How lucky are we to have such an understanding, open minded, people-person as our VP. And good thing he’s going to apply this notion to the starvation problem too! Haven’t eaten for weeks? Stomach feels like it’s going to implode? Little to no flesh left due to fat loss? Don’t worry. Mike Pence will help by reminding you that your urges to eat can be contained, repressed, or changed.

Trump’s infamous Wall is no new news. Pence is now hoping to use the wall around the Mexican border as a tool to his plan. By having Mexicans pay the US Government to stand on top of the wall and chant “Screw being hungry, we love Pence”, the amount of hungry citizens should drop by nearly 90%! That’s incredible! I personally cannot believe  how kind and inspirational this man is. Without Mike Pence’s innovative, creative, and selfless ideas, who knows how much longer people could be starving? Adios world hunger! 

Need For Hippies Will Restart Society

     

     The 1960’s were a time of fab. People went against the trend and totally brought the world to a peak of psychedelic greatness. Whether you were Team Beatles, Team Stones, or Team Whoever Makes the Trippiest Music, the music and culture was everywhere. We need to revive the 60’s in order to correct the nonconformity in society.  We need to make everyone the same by having them become flower children. Everyone is always talking about differences between people, so let’s make everyone equal under one culture (or rather counter-culture). A return to Sixties culture is a return to a period of some groovy sameness that allows more freedom to express yourself. In order to make sure people stay on the same page, all expression should be made through music and nothing else. What better way to spread the peace and the love than to ride this party bus of change . We gotta reject the hole that sucks us into hating each other and just sit down to make some sweet tunes. Sure the Sixties had their different groups, but at least they all were able to come together to go against the trend. It can’t be bad can it? And while we’re at it, can we bring back Woodstock?

Can Angry Americans Stump the Trump?

          As of January 20th of the year 2017, Donald John Trump Sr. has been sworn into office. Congratulations to Mr.Trump for his landslide 75% win margin against presidential competitor Bernie Sanders. But even with such a staggering victory, many of the resident americans are unhappy with their nation’s newest change in leadership. It has been reported, that an estimated 45.8% of the latino population has agreed to mold together to form a “Gundam Robot”  that will “ Not stop till’ he got 40 caps in his big wrinkly mouth”.  It has also been reported the emigration rate has increased by over 40%, emigration to Canada and Mexico has prompted the nations to threaten america with building a wall to stem the overflow of fleeing U.S immigrants. The numbers and evidence are all here, but Trump still claims that they are fleeing the Sombrero-bot rather than his neo-political or wealth catering political plans. Fortunately, not all of america is collapsing, with the implosion of the vast majority of our nation’s infrastructure, drug cartels have deemed us too “unstable” and “unpredictable” to do business with. It is unknown if the self-proclaimed “Sombrero Bot” has been successful on its murderous endeavor, but at least things can only go uphill from here.